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TO 



WALTER WATTS, ESQ., 

One of the most liberal supporters of the Drama, 
whose desire to elevate 4 and purify it — whose 
appreciation and patronage of its humblest as 
well as highest talent — whose liberality and con- 
sideration to all with whom the profession con- 
nects him — and whose efforts to establish har- 
mony amongst them, while he promotes the 
interest of all, are beyond eulogium, the Comedy 
of " Fashion" is respectfully dedicated, with 
the grateful acknowledgments of 

Anna Cora Mowatt. 



PREFACE. 



The Comedy of Fashion was intended as a good-natured 
satire upon some of the follies incident to a new country, 
where foreign dross sometimes passes for gold, while native 
gold is cast aside as dross ; where the vanities rather than 
the virtues of other lands are too often imitated, and 
where the stamp of fashion gives currency even to the 
coinage of vice. 

The reception with which the Comedy was favoured 
proves that the picture represented was not a highly ex- 

gerated one. 

It was first produced at the Park Theatre, New York, 
in March, 1845. 

The splendid manner in which the play was put upon 
the stage, and the combined efforts of an extremely talented 
company, ensured it a long continued success. It was 
afterwards received with the same indulgence in all the 
principal cities of the United States, for which the au- 
thoress is doubtless indebted to the proverbial gallantry 
of Americans to a countrywoman. 

A. C. M. 

London, January, 1850. 



COSTUMES. 

ADAM TRU EM AN. — First Dress: A farmer's rough overcoat, coarse blue trou- 
sers, heavy boots, broad-brim med hat, dark coloured neckerchief, stout walking 
stick, large bandanna tied loosely around his neck.— Second dress: Dark grey 
old-fashioned coat, black and yellow waistcoat, trousers as before. — Third 
dress: Black old-fashioned dress coat, black trousers, white vest, white cravat. 

COUNT JO LIMAITRE.— First dress: Dark frock coat, light blue trousers, 
patent leather boots, gay coloured vest and scarf, profusion of jewellery, light 
overcoat. — Second dress: Full evening dress; last scene, travelling cap and 
cloak. 

MR. TIFFANY.— First dress: Dark coat, vest, and trousers.— Second dress: 
Full evening dress. 

MR. TWINKLE— First dress: Green frock coat, white vest and trousers, green 
and white scarf.— Second drew: Full evening d 

MR. FOGG.— Fii>t draft: Entire black snit. — Seeood dress: Full eveniu. 
same colour. 

SNOBSON.— First dress: Blue Albert coat with brass buttons, yellow v. 
and black cravat, broad plaii Second dress: Evening dress. 

COL. HOWARD. — Fir.-t dress: Blue ■■ d res s frock coat and cap, white twscrs. 
Second dress: Full military uniform. 

ZEKE.— Red and blue livery, cocked hat, &c. 



MRS. TIFFANY.— First dress: Extravagant modern dress.— Second dress: Hat, 
feathers, and mantle, with the above.— Third dress: Morning dress. — Fourth 
dress: Rich ball dress, 

SERAPHINA. — First dress: Rich modern dress, ladies trepaulin on one side 
of head. — Second dress: Morning dress.— Third dress: Handsome ball dress, 
profusion of ornaments and flowers. — Fourth dress: Bonnet and mantle. 

GERTRUDE.— First dress: White muslin.— Second dress: Ball dress, very- 
simple . 

M1LLINETTE.— Ladies Maid's dress, very gay. 

PRUDENCE. — Black satin, very narrow in the skirt, tight sleeves, white muslin 
apron, neckerchief of the same, folded over bosom, old-fashioned cap, high 
top and broad frill, and red ribbands. 



DRAMATIS PERSONA. 

At produced at the Royal Olympic Theatre, January, 1850, under the direction 
of Mr. George Ellis, Stage Manager. 

Adam Trulm.w. a Farmer from Cat ter augtts. 

Count Jolimaitre, a fashionable European Importation. 

Colonel Howard, an Officer in the V. S. Army, 

Mr. Tiffany, a Xrw l'nrk Merchant. 

T. Tennyson Twinki .v., a Modern Poet. 

- Fogg, a Drawing Room Appendage, 
SnOBSON, i rare species of Confidential Clerk. 
, a colored Servant. 

Mrs. Tii i iNY, a Lady who imagines herself fashionable. 

1'ki DBNCB] ii Maiden Lady of a certain age. 

Mni im i , 1 . a French Ladi/s Maid. 

Gertrude, a (> 

Seraphina Tiffany, a Belle. 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Ball Room. 



FASHION. 

ACT I. 

SCENE I. 

A splendid Drawing Room in the House of Mrs. Tiffany. 
Open folding doors c. f., discovering a Conservatory. 
On either side glass v town to the ground. 

Doors OH R. and l. r. r. Mirror, couches, ottomans, 
a table with aUuM fa it an arm chair. 

Millinxtti k. dusting furniture, §-c. Zeke l. in 
a dashing Uoery s scarlet coat, fyc* 

Zeke. Derc's a coat to take de eyes ob all Broadway ! 
Ah ! Missy, it am de fibrins dat make de natural born gem- 
man. A libery forever I Dere's a pairob insuppressibles 
to 'stonish de colored population. 

Millinette. Ob, oui, Monsieur Zeke (very politely). 
I not comprend one word he say ! (aside.) 

Zeke. I tell 'ee what, Missy, Pm 'stordinary glad to 
find dis a bery 'spectabul like situation ! Now as you've 
made de acquaintance ob dis here family, and dere you've 
bad a supernumerary advantage ob me — seeing dat I only 
receibed my appointment dis morning. "What I want L n 
know is your publicated opinion, privately expressed, ob 
de domestic circle. 

Mil. You mean vat espece, vat kind of personnes are 
Monsieur and Madame Tiffany ? Ah ! Monsieur is not de 
same ting as Madame, — not at all. 

Zeke. Well, I s'pose he aint altogether. 

Mil. Monsieur is man of business, — Madame is lady of 
fashion. Monsieur make de money, — Madame spend it. 
Monsieur nobody at all, — Madame everybody altogether. 
Ah ! Monsieur Zeke, de money is all dat is necessaire in 

B 



2 fashion. [Act I. 

dis country to make one lady of fashion. Oh ! it is quite 
anoder ting in la belle France ! 

Zeke. A bery lucifer explanation. Well, now we're 
disposed ob de heads ob de family, who come next ? 

Mil. First, dere is Mademoiselle Seraphina Tiffany. 
Mademoiselle is not at all one proper personne. Mademoi- 
selle Seraphina is one coquette. Dat is not de mode in la 
belle France ; de ladies, dere, never learn la coquetrie until 
dev do get one husband. 

Zeke. I tell 'ee what, Missy, I disreprobate dat pro- 
ceeding altogeder ! 

Mil. Vait ! I have not tell you all lafamille yet. Dere 
is Ma'mselle Prudence — Madame' s sister, one very bizarre 
personne. Den dere is Ma'mselle Gertrude, but she not 
anybody at all ; she only teach Mademoiselle Seraphina la 
musique. 

Zeke. Well now, Missy, what's your own special de- 
functions ? 

Mil. I not understand, Monsieur Zeke. 

Zeke. Den I'll amplify. What's de nature ob your ex- 
clusive services ? 

Mil, Ah, oui ! je comprend. I am Madame' sfem me de 
chambre — her lady's maid, Monsieur Zeke. I teach Ma- 
dame les modes de Paris, and Madame set de fashion for 
all New York. You see, Monsieur Zeke, dat it is me, 
moi-meme, dat do lead de fashion for all de American beau 
monde ! 

Zeke. Yah ! yah ! yah t I hab de idea by de heel. 
Well now, p'raps you can 'lustrify my officials? 

Mil. Yat you will have to do ? Oh ! much tings, 
much tings. You vait on de table, — you tend de door, — 
you clean de boots, — you run de errands, — you drive de 
carriage, — you rub de horses, — you take care of de flowers, 
— you carry de water, — you help cook de dinner, — you 
wash de dishes, — and den you always remember to do 
every ting I tell you to ! 

Zeke. Wheugh, am dat all ? 

Mil. All I can tink of now. To-day is Madame's day 
of reception, and all her grand friends do make her one 
petite visit. You mind run fast ven de bell do ring. 

Zeke. Run? If it was'nt for dese superfluminous trim- 
mings, I tell 'ee what, Missy, I'd run — 



Scene I.] fashion. 3 

Mrs. Tiffany, (outside) Millinette ! 

Mil. Here comes Madame ! You better go, Monsieur 
Zeke. 

Zeke. Look ahea, Massa Zeke, does'nt dis open rich ! 
(aside). [Exit Zeke, l. 

Enter Mrs. Tiffany r., dressed in the most extravagant 
height of fashion. 

Mrs. Tif. Is everything in order, Millinette ? Ah ! 
very elegant, very elegant indeed ! There is a jenny-says- 
quoi look about this furniture, — an air of fashion and gen- 
tility perfectly bewitching. Is there not, Millinette ? 

Mil. Oh, oui, Madame! 

Mrs. Tif. But where is Miss Seraphina ? It is twelve 
o'clock ; our visitors will be pouring in, and she has not 
made her appearance. But I hear that nothing is more 
fashionable than to keep people waiting. — None but vulgar 
persons pay any attention to punctuality. Is it not so, 
Millinette ? 

Mil. Quite comme il faut. — Great personnes always do 
make little personnes wait, Madame. 

Mrs. Tif This mode of receiving visitors only upon 
one specified day of the week is a most convenient custom ! 
It saves the trouble of keeping the house continually in 
order and of being always dressed. I flatter myself that I 
was the first to introduce it amongst the New York ee-light. 
You are quite sure that it is strictly a Parisian mode, Mil- 
linette 1 

Mil. Oh, oui, Madame ; entirely mode de Paris. 

Mrs. Tif This girl is worth her weight in gold (aside). 
Millinette, how do you say arm-chair in French ? 

Mil. Fauteiiil, Madame. 

Mrs. Fo-tool ! That has a foreign — an out-of-the- 
wayish sound that is perfectly charming — and so genteel ! 
There is something about our American words decidedly 
vulgar. Fowtool ! how refined. Fowtool ! Arm-chair! 
what a difference ! 

Mil. Madame have one charm ante pronunciation. Fow- 
tool ! (mimicking aside) charmante, Madame ! 

Mrs. Tif Do you think so, Millinette ? Well, I believe 
I have. But a woman of refinement and of fashion can 
always accommodate herself to everything foreign ! And 
a week's study of that invaluable work — " French without 

b 2 



4 FASHION. [Act I. 

a Master" has made me quite at home in the court lan- 
guage of Europe ! But where is the new valet ? I'm rather 
sorry that he is black, but to obtain a white American 
for a domestic is almost impossible ; and they call this a 
free country ! What did you say was the name of this 
new servant, Millinette ? 

Mil. He do say his name is Monsieur Zeke. 

Mrs. Tif. Ezekiel, I suppose. Zeke ! Dear me, such 
a vulgar name will compromise the dignity of the whole 
family. Can you not suggest something more aristocratic, 
Millinette ? Something French ! 

Mil. Oh, oui, Madame ; Adolph is one very fine name. 

Mr*. Tif. A-dolph ! Charming ! Ring the bell, Mil- 
linette ! (Millinette rings the bell). I will change his 
name immediately, besides giving him a few directions. 

Enter Zeke, l. u. h. Mrs. Tiffany addresses him with 

great dignity. 
Your name, I hear, is Ezekiel. — I consider it too plebeian 
an appellation to be uttered in my presence. In future you 
are called A-dolph. Don't reply, — never interrupt me when 
I am speaking. A-dolph, as my guests arrive, I desire 
that you will inquire the name of every person, and then 
announce it in a loud, clear tone. That is the fashion in 
Paris. [Millinette retires up the stage. 

Zeke. Consider de office discharged, Missus. 

[speaking very loudly. 
Mrs. Tif. Silence ! Your business is to obey and not 
to talk. 

Zeke. I'm dumb, Missus ! 

Mrs. Tif . (pointing up stage) A-dolph, place that fow- 
tool behind me. 

Zeke. (looking about him) I hab'nt got dat far in de 

dictionary yet. No matter, a genus gets his learning by 

nature. [takes up the table and places it behind Mrs. 

Tiffany, then expresses in dumb show 

great satisfaction. Mrs. Tiffany, as she 

goes to sit, discovers the mistake. 

Mrs. Tif. You dolt ! Where have you lived not to 

know that fow-tool is the French for arm-chair? What 

ignorance ! Leave the room this instant. 

[Mrs. Tiffany draws forward an arm-chair and 



Scene I.] FASHION. 5 

sits, Millinette comes forward sup- 
pressing her merriment at Zeke's mistake 
and removes the table. 

Zeke. Dem's de defects ob not having a libery education. 

[Exit L. U. H. 
Prudence peeps in, r. u. e. 

Pru. I wonder if any of the fine folks have come yet. 
Not a soul, — I knew they hadn't. There's Betsy all alone 
(walks in) . Sister Betsy ! 

Mrs. Tif. c. Prudence ! how many times have I desired 
you to call me Elizabeth ? Betsy is the height of vul- 
garity. 

Pru. l. Oh ! I forgot. Dear me, how spruce we do look 
here, to be sure, — everything in first rate style now, Betsy. 

[Mrs. T. looks at her angrily. 
Elizabeth I mean. Who would have thought, when you 
and I were sitting behind that little mahogany-colored 
counter, in Canal Street, making up flashy hats and caps — 

Mrs. Tif. Prudence, what do you mean ? Millinette, 
leave the room. 

Mil. r. Oui, Madame. 

[Millinette pretends to arrange the books 
upon a side table, but lingers to listen. 

Pru. But I always predicted it, — I always told you so, 
Betsy, — I always said you were destined to rise above your 
station ! 

Mrs. Tif. Prudence ! Prudence ! have I not told you 
that— 

Pru. No, Betsy, it was / that told you, when we used 
to buy our silks and ribbons of Mr. Antony Tiffany — "talk- 
ing Tony," you know we used to call him, and when you 
always put on the finest bonnet in our shop to go to his, — 
and when you staid so long smiling and chattering with him, 
I always told you that something would grow out of it — and 
didn't it ? 

Mrs. Tif. Millinette, send Seraphina here instantly. 
Leave the room. 

Mil. Oui, Madame. So dis Americaine ladi of fashion 
vas one milliner ? Oh, vat a fine country for les merchandes 
des modes ! I shall send for all my relation by de next 
packet ! (aside). [Exit Millinette r. w. u. e. 

Mrs. Tif. Prudence ! never let me hear you mention 



6 FASHION. [ActT. 

this subject again. Forget what we have been, it is enough 
to remember that we are of the upper ten thousand ! 

[Prudence goes up l. c. and sits down. 
Enter Seraphina r.tj. e., very extravagantly dressed. 

Mrs. Tif. How bewitchingly you look, my dear ! Does 
Millinette say that that head dress is strictly Parisian ? 

Seraphina r. Oh yes, Mamma, all the rage ! They 
call it a lady's tarpaulin, and it is the exact pattern of one 
worn by the Princess Clementina at the last court ball. 

Mrs. Tif. l. Now, Seraphina my dear, don't be too 
particular in your attentions to gentlemen not eligible. 
There is Count Jolimaitre, decidedly the most fashionable 
foreigner in town, — and so refined, — so much accustomed 
to associate with the first nobility in his own country that 
he can hardly tolerate the vulgarity of Americans in general. 
You may devote yourself to him. Mrs. Proudacre is dying 
to become acquainted with him. By the by, if she or her 
daughters should happen to drop in, be sure you don't 
introduce them to the Count. It is not the fashion in 
Paris to introduce — Millinette told me so. 

Enter Zeke, l. u. e. 
Zeke. (in a very loud voice) Mister T. Tennyson 
Twinkle ! 

Mrs. Tif. Show him up. 

[Exit Zeke l. 

Pru. I must be running away ! [going. 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. T. Tennyson Twinkle — a very literary 

young man and a sweet poet ! It is all the rage to patronize 

poets ! Quick, Seraphina, hand me that magazine. — Mr. 

Twinkle writes for it. 

[Seraphina hands the magazine, Mrs. T. seats 
herself in an arm-chair and opens the book. 
Pru. (returning l.) There's Betsy trying to make out 
that reading without her spectacles. 

[takes a pair of spectacles out of her pocket 
and hands them to Mrs. Tiffany. 
There, Betsy, I knew you were going to ask for them. 
Ah ! they're a blessing when one is growing old ! 

Mrs. Tif. What do you mean, Prudence ? A woman 

of fashion never grows old ! Age is always out of fashion. 

Pru. Oh, dear ! what a delightful thing it is to be 



Scene I.] FASHION 

fashionable. [Exit Prudence, r. u e. Mrs. Tiffany 

resumes her seat. 

Enter Twinkle, l. (salutes Seraphina.) 

Twin. Fair Seraphina ! the sun itself grows dim, 
Unless you aid his light and shine on him ! 

Sera. Ah ! Mr. Twinkle, there is no such thing as 
answering you. 

Twin, (looks around and perceives Mrs. Tiffany) The 
"New Monthly Vernal Galaxy." Reading my verses by 
all that's charming ! Sensible woman ! I wo'nt interrupt 
her. (aside). 

Mrs. Tif. (rising and coming forward) Ah! Mr. Twin- 
kle, is that you? I was perfectly abime at the perusal of 
your very distingue verses. 

Twin. I am overwhelmed, Madam. Permit me (taking 
the magazine). Yes, they do read tolerably. And you 
must take into consideration, ladies, the rapidity with which 
they were written. Four minutes and a half by the stop 
watch ! The true test of a poet is the velocity with which 
he composes. Really they do look very prettily, and they 
read tolerably — quite tolerably — very tolerably, — especially 
the first verse, (reads) "To Seraphina T ." 

Sera. Oh ! Mr. Twinkle ! 

Twin, (reads) "Around my heart" — 

Mrs. Tif. How touching ! Really, Mr. Twinkle, quite 
tender ! 

Twin, (recommencing) " Around my heart" — 

Mrs. Tif. Oh, I must tell you, Mr. Twinkle ! I heard 
the other day that poets were the aristocrats of literature. 
That's one reason I like them, for I do dote on all aris- 
tocracy ! 

Twin. Oh, Madam, how flattering ! Now pray lend 
me your ears ! (reads) 

"Around my heart thou weavest" — 

Sera. r. That is such a sweet commencement, Mr. 
Twinkle ! 

Twin. l. I wish she wouldn't interrupt me ! (aside) 
(reads) " Around my heart thou weavest a spell" — 

Mrs. Tif. c. Beautiful ! But excuse me one moment, 
while I say a word to Seraphina ! Don't be too affable, 
my dear ! Poets are very ornamental appendages to the 



8 fashion. [Act I. 

drawing room, but they are always as poor as their own 
verses. They don't make eligible husbands ! 

(aside to Seraph in a). 

Twin. Confound their interruptions ! (aside) Mv dear 

Madam, unless you pay the utmost attention you cannot 

catch the ideas. Are you ready ? Well, now you shall 

hear it to the end ! (reads) — 

" Around my heart thou weaves t a spell 
" Whose"— 

Enter Zeke, l. 
Zeke. Mister Augustus Fogg ! A bery misty lookin 
young gem man 1 (aside) . 

Mrs. Tif. Show him up, Adolph ! 

[Exit Zeke l. 
Twin. This is too much ! 

Sera. Exquisite verses, Mr. Twinkle, — exquisite ! 
Twin. Ah, lovely Seraphina ! your smile of approval 
transports me to the summit of Olympus. 

Sera. Then I must frown, for I would not send you so 
far away. 

Twin. Enchantress ! Its all over with her. (aside) 

[Retire up and converse. 
Mrs. Tif. Mr. Fogg belongs to one of our oldest fami- 
lies, — to be sure he is the most difficult person in the world 
to entertain, for he never takes the trouble to talk, and 
never notices anything or anybody, — but then I hear that 
nothing is considered so vulgar as to betray any emotion, 
or to attempt to render oneself agreeable ! 
Enter Mr. Fogg, l., fashionably attired but in very dark 
clothes. 
Fogg, (bowing stiffly) Mrs. Tiffany, your most obedient. 
Miss Seraphina, yours. How d'ye do Twinkle ? 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Fogg, how do you do ? Fine weather, 
—delightful, isn't it ? 

Fogg. I am indifferent to weather, Madam. 
Mrs. Tif. Been to the opera, Mr. Fogg ? I hear that 
the bow monde make their debut t there every evening. 
Fogg. I consider operas a bore, Madam. 
Sera, (advancing) You must hear Mr. Twinkle's verses, 
Mr. Fogg ! 

Fogg. I am indifferent to verses, Miss Seraphina. 
Sera. But Mr. Twinkle's verses are addressed to me ! 



Scene I.] FASHION. 9 

Twin. Now pay attention, Fogg ! (reads) — 
" Around my heart thou weavest a spell 
"Whose magic I" — 

Enter Zeke l. 

ZeJce. Mister — No, he say he aint no Mister — 

Twin. " Around my heart thou weavest a spell 
" Whose magic I can never tell !" 

Mrs. Tif. Speak in a loud, clear tone, A-dolph ! 

Twin. This is terrible ! 

Zeke. Mister Count Jolly-made-her ! 

Mrs. Tif. Count Jolimaitre ! Good gracious ! Zeke, 
Zeke — A-dolph I mean. — Dear me, what a mistake ! (aside) 
Set that chair out of the way, — put that table back. Sera- 
phina, my dear, are you all in order? Dear me ! dear 
me ! Your dress is so tumbled ! (arranges her dress) 
What are you grinning at? (to Zeke) Beg the Count to 
honor us by walking up ! [Exit Zeke, l. 

Seraphina, my dear (aside to her), remember now what I 
told you about the Count. He is a man of the highest, — 
good gracious ! I am so flurried ; and nothing is so ungen- 
teel as agitation ! what will the Count think ! Mr. Twin- 
kle, pray stand out of the way ! Seraphina, my dear, 
place yourself on my right ! Mr. Fogg, the conservatory 
— beautiful flowers, — pray amuse yourself in the conser- 
vatory. 

Fogg. I am indifferent to flowers, Madam. 

Mrs. Tif. Dear me ! the man stands right in the way, 
— just where the Count must make his entray I [aside. 
Mr. Fogg, — pray — 

Enter Count Jolimaitre, l., very dashingly dressed, 
tcears a moustache. 

Mrs. Tif. Oh, Count, this unexpected honor — 

Sera. Count, this inexpressible pleasure — 

Count. Beg you won't mention it, Madam ! Miss Sera- 
phina, your most devoted ! (crosses to c.) 

Mrs. Tif What condescension ! (aside) Count may 
I take the liberty to introduce — Good gracious ! I forgot. 
(aside) Count, I was about to remark that we never intro- 
duce in America. All our fashions are foreign, Count. 

[Twinkle, ivho has stepped forward to be 
introduced, shows great indignation. 

Count, c. Excuse me, Madam, our fashions have grown 



10 FASHION. [Act I. 

antideluvian before you Americans discover their existence. 
You are lamentably behind the age — lamentably ! 'Pon 
my honor, a foreigner of refinement finds great difficulty 
in existing in this provincial atmosphere. 

Mrs. Tif. How dreadful, Count ! I am very much 
concerned. If there is anything which I can do, Count — 

Sera. r. Or I, Count, to render your situation less de- 
plorable — 

Count. Ah ! I find but one redeeming charm in America 
— the superlative loveliness of the feminine portion of crea- 
tion, — and the wealth of their obliging papas, (aside) 

Mrs. Tif. How flattering ! Ah ! Count, I am afraid 
you will turn the head of my simple girl here. She is a 
perfect child of nature, Count. 

Count. Very possibly, for though you American women 
are quite charming, yet, demme, there's a deal of native 
rust to rub off ! 

Mrs. Tif. Rust ? Good gracious, Count ! where do 
you find any rust ? [looking about the room. 

Count. How very unsophisticated ! 

Mrs. Tif. Count, I am so much ashamed, — pray ex- 
cuse me ! Although a lady of large fortune, and one, 
Count, who can boast of the highest connections, I blush 
to confess that I have never travelled, — while you, Count, 
I presume are at home in all the courts of Europe. 

Count. Courts ? Eh ? Oh, yes, Madam, very true. 
I believe I am pretty well known in some of the courts of 
Europe — police courts, (aside, crossing, l.) In a word, 
Madam, I had seen enough of civilized life — wanted to 
refresh myself by a sight of barbarous countries and cus- 
toms — had my choice between the Sandwich Islands and 
New York — chose New York ! 

Mrs. Tif. How complimentary to our country ! And, 
Count, I have no doubt you speak every conceivable lan- 
guage ? You talk English like a native. 

Count. Eh, what ? Like a native ? Oh, ah, demme, 
yes, I am something of an Englishman. Passed one year 
and eight months with the Duke of Wellington, six months 
with Lord Brougham, two and a half with Count d'Orsay 
— knew them all more intimately than their best friends — 
no heroes to me — hadn't a secret from me, I assure you, — 
especially of the toilet, (aside). 



Scene I.] FASHION. 11 

Mrs. Tif Think of that, my dear ! Lord Wellington 
and Duke Broom ! [aside to Seraphina. 

Sera. And only think of Count d'Orsay, Mamma ! 
(aside to Mrs. Tiffany) I am so wild to see Count d'Or- 
say ! 

Count l. Oh ! a mere man milliner. Very little refine- 
ment out of Paris ? Why at the very last dinner given at 
Lord — Lord Knowswho, would you believe it, Madam, 
there was an individual present who wore a black cravat 
and took soup twice ! 

Mrs. Tif. c. How shocking! the sight of him would 
have spoilt my appetite ! Think what a great man he 
must be, my dear, to despise lords and counts in that way. 
(aside to Seraphina.) I must leave them together, (aside.) 
Mr. Twinkle, your arm. I have some really very foreign 
exotics to show you. 

Twin. I fly at your command- I wish all her exotics 
were blooming in their native soil ! 

[aside, and glancing at the Count. 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Fogg, will you accompany us ? My 
conservatory is well worthy a visit. It cost an immense 
sum of money. 

Fogg. I am indifferent to conservatories, Madam ; 
flowers are such a bore ! 

Mrs. Tif. I shall take no refusal. Conservatories are 
all the rage, — I could not exist without mine ! Let me 
show you, — let me show you. 

[places her arm through Mr. Fogg's, without 
his consent. Exeunt Mrs. Tiffany, Fogg, 
and Twinkle into the conservatory, where 
they are seen walking about. 

Sera. America, then, has no charms for you, Count ? 

Count. Excuse me, — some exceptions. I find you, for 
instance, particularly charming ! Can't say I admire your 
country. Ah ! if you had ever breathed the exhilarating 
air of Paris, ate creams at Tortoni's, dined at the Cafe 
Roy ale, or if you had lived in London — felt at home at St. 
James's, and every afternoon driven a couple of Lords and 
a Duchess through Hyde Park, you would find America 
— where you have no kings, queens, lords, nor ladies — in- 
supportable ! 

Sera. Not while there was a Count in it ? 



12 FASHION. [Act I. 

Enter Zeke, very indignant. 

Zeke. Where's de Missus ? 
Enter Mrs. Tiffany, Fogg, and Twinkle, from the 
conservatory . 

Mrs. Tif. Whom do you come to anuounce, A-dolph ? 

Zeke. He said he wouldn't trust me — no, not eben wid 
so much as his name; so I wouldn't trust him up stairs, 
den he ups wid his stick and I cuts mine. 

Mrs. Tif. Some of Mr. Tiffany's vulgar acquaintances. 
I shall die with shame, (aside) A-dolph, inform him that 
I am not at home. [Exit Zeke, l. u. e. 

My nerves are so shattered, I am ready to sink. Mr. 
Twinkle, that/ow tool, if you please ! 

Twin. What? What do you wish, Madam? 

Mrs. Tif The ignorance of these Americans ! (aside) 
Count, may I trouble you ? That fow tool, if you please! 

Count. She's not talking English, nor French, but I 
suppose it's American, (aside.) 

True, (outside.) Not at home! 

Zeke. No, Sar — Missus say she's not at home. 

True. Out of the way you grinning nigger! 

Enter Adam Trueman, l. u. e., dressed as a farmer, 
a stout cane in his hand, his boots covered with dust. 
Zeke jumps out of his way as he enters. 

[Exit Zeke, l. 

True. Where's this woman that's not at home in her 
own house? May I be shot! if 1 wonder at it! I should' nt 
think she'd ever feel at home in such a show-box as this! 

(looking round.) 

Mrs. Tif. What a plebeian looking old farmer! I wonder 
who he is ? (aside.) Sir — {advancing very agitatedly) what 
do you mean, Sir, by this owdacious conduct? How dare 
you intrude yourself into my parlor? Do you know who 
I am, Sir ? {with great dignity) You are in the presence 
of Mrs. Tiffany, Sir' 

True. Antony's wife, eh ? Well now, I might have 
guessed that — ha! ha! ha! for I see you make it a point 
to carry half your husband's shop upon your back! No 
matter; that's being a good helpmate — for he carried the 
whole of it once in a pack on his own shoulders — now you 
bear a share! 



Scene I.] FASHION. 13 

Mrs. Tif. How dare you, you impertinent, owdacious, 
ignorant old man ! Its all an invention. You're talking 
of somebody else. What will the Count think ! (aside) 

True. Why, I thought folks had better manners in the 
city ! This is a civil welcome for your husband's old friend, 
and after my coming all the way from Catterangus to see 
you and yours ! First a grinning nigger tricked out in 
scarlet regimentals — 

Mrs. Tif Let me tell you, Sir, that liveries are all the 
fashion ! 

True. The fashion, are they ? To make men wear the 
badge of servitude in a free land, — that's the fashion, is it? 
Hurrah, for republican simplicity ! I will venture to say 
now, that you have your coat of arms too ! 

Mrs. Tif. Certainly, Sir ; you can see it on the panels 
of my voyture. 

True. Oh ! no need of that. I know what your es- 
cutcheon must be ! A bandbox rampant with a bonnet 
couchant, and a pedlar's pack passant I Ha, ha, ha ! that 
shows both houses united ! 

Mrs. Tif Sir ! you are most profoundly ignorant, — 
what do you mean by this insolence, Sir ? How shall I 
get rid of him ? (aside) 

True, {looking at Seraph in a) I hope that is not Ger- 
trude ! (aside) 

Mrs. Tif Sir, I'd have you know that — Seraphina, 

my child, walk with the gentlemen into the conservatory. 

[Exeunt Seraphina, Twinkle, Fogg into 

conservatory. 

Count Jolimaitre, pray make due allowances for the errors 

of this rustic ! I do assure you, Count — (whispers to him) 

True. Count ! She calls that critter with a shoe brush 
over his mouth, Count ! To look at him, I should have 
thought he was a tailor's walking advertisement! (aside) 

Count, (addressing True man whom he has been in- 
specting through his eye-glass) Where did you say you 
belonged, my friend ? Dug out of the ruins of Pompeii, 
eh? 

True. I belong to a land in which I rejoice to find that 
you are a foreigner. 

Count. What a barbarian ! He doesn't see the honor 
I'm doing his country ! Pray, Madam, is it one of the 



14 fashion. [Act I. 

aboriginal inhabitants of the soil ? To what tribe of Indians 
does he belong — the Pawnee or Choctaw ? Does he carry 
a tomehawk ? 

True. Something quite as useful, — do you see that ? 

[Shaking his stick. Count ru?is to r. h. 
behind Mrs. Tiffany. 
Mrs. Tif. Oh, dear ! I shall faint ! Millinette ! (ap- 
proaching r. d.) Millinette ! 

Enter Millinette, r. d., without advancing into the room. 

Milli. Oui, Madame. 

Mrs. Tif. A glass of water! [Exit Millinette, r. 
Sir, (crossing l. to Trueman) I am shocked at your ple- 
beian conduct ! This is a gentleman of the highest stand- 
ing, Sir ! He is a Count, Sir ! 

Enter Millinette, r., bearing a salver with a glass of 
water. In advancing towards Mrs. Tiffany, she passes 
in front of the Count, starts and screams. The Count, 
after a start of surprise, regains his composure, plays ivith 
his eye glass, and looks perfectly unconcerned. 

Mrs. Tif. What is the matter ? What is the matter ? 

Milli. Noting, noting, — only — (looks at Count and 
turn* away her eyes again) only — noting at all ! 

True. Don't be afraid, girl ! Why, did you never see 
a live Count before ? He's tame, — I dare say your mistress 
there leads him about by the ears. 

Mrs. Tif This is too much ! Millinette, send for Mr. 
Tiffany instantly ! 

[crosses to Millinette, who is going, 3 e. l. 

Milli. He just come in, Madame ! 

True. My old friend ! Where is he 1 Take me to 
him, — I long to have one more hearty shake of the hand ! 

Mrs. Tif. Shake of the fist, you mean, (crosses to him) 
If I don't make him shake his in your face, you low, ow- 
dacious — no matter, we'll see ! Count, honor me by joining 
my daughter in the conservatory, I will return immediately. 

[Count bows and walks towards conservatory . 

Mrs. Tiffany following part of the way 

and then returning to Trueman. 

True. What a Jezebel ! These women always play the 

very devil with a man, and yet I don't believe such a 



Scene I.] FASHION. 15 

damaged bale of goods as that {looking at Mrs. Tiffany) 
has smothered the heart of little Antony ! 
Mrs, Tif, This way, Sir, sal vous plait. 

[Exit l. with great dignity. 

True, Sal vous plait. Ha, ha, ha ! We'll see what 
Fashion has done for him. 

[Exit l. 



END OF ACT 



16 FASHION. [Act II. 



ACT II. 

SCENE I. 

Inner apartment of 'Sir. Tiffany's Counting House. Mr. 
Tiffany, r. c, seated at a desk looking over papers. 
Mr. Snobson, l. c, on a high stool at another desk, 
with a pen behind his ear. 

Snobson. {rising l., advances l. to the front of the 
stage, regards Tiffany and shrugs his shoulders) How 
the old boy frets and fumes over those papers, to be sure ! 
He's working himself into a perfect fever — ex-actly, — there- 
fore bleeding's the prescription ! So here goes ! {aside) 
Mr. Tiffany, a word with you, if you please, Sir ? 

Tif. {sitting still) Speak on, Mr. Snobson, I attend. 

S?wb. What I have to say, Sir, is a matter of the first 
importance to the credit of the concern — the credit of the 
concern, Mr. Tiffany ! 

Tif Proceed, Mr. Snobson. 

Snob. Sir, you've a handsome house — fine carriage — 
nigger in livery — feed on the fat of the land — everything 
first rate — 

Tif Well, Sir? 

Snob. My salary, Mr. Tiffany ! 

Tif It has been raised three times within the last year. 

Snob. Still it is insufficient for the necessities of an 
honest man, — mark me, an honest man, Mr. Tiffany. 

Tif {crossing l.) What a weapon he has made of that 
word ! {aside) Enough — another hundred shall be added. 
Does that content you ? 

Snob. There is one other subject which I have before 
mentioned, Mr. Tiffany, — your daughter, — -what's the rea- 
son you can't let the folks at home know at once that I'm 
to be the man ? 

Tif. Villain ! And must the only seal upon this scoun- 
drel's lips be placed there by the hand of my daughter ? 
{aside) Well, Sir, it shall be as you desire. 

Snob. And Mrs. Tiffany shall be informed of your re- 
solution ? 

Tif Yes. 



Scene I.] fashion. 17 

Snob, Enough said ! That's the ticket ! The credit 
of the concern's safe, Sir ! 

[returns to his seat. 

Tif. How low have I bowed to this insolent rascal ! 
To rise himself he mounts upon my shoulders, and unless 
I can shake him off he must crush me ! {aside) 
Enter Trueman, c, down on l. h. 

True. Here I am, Antony, man ! I told you I'd pay 
you a visit in your money-making quarters, {looks around) 
But it looks as dismal here as a cell in the States' prison ! 

Tif. {forcing a laugh) Ha, ha, ha ! States' prison ! 
You are so facetious ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

True. Well, for the life of me I can't see anything so 
amusing in that ! I should think the States' prison plaguy 
uncomfortable lodgings. And you laugh, man, as though 
you fancied yourself there already. 

Tif. Ha, ha, ha ! 

True, {imitating him) Ha, ha, ha ! What on earth 
do you mean by that ill-sounding laugh, that has nothing 
of a laugh about it ! This fash ^-worship has made hea- 
thens and hypocrites of you all ! Deception is your house- 
hold God ! A man laughs as if he were crying, and cries 
as if he were laughing in his sleeve. Everything is some- 
thing else from what it seems to be. I have lived in your 
house only three days, and I've heard more lies than were 
ever invented during a Presidential election ! First your 
fine lady of a wife sends me word that she's not at home — 
I walk up stairs, and she takes good care that I shall not 
be at home — wants to turn me out of doors. Then you 
come in — take your old friend by the hand — whisper, the 
deuce knows what, in your wife's ear, and the tables are 
turned in a tangent ! Madam curtsies — says she' s enchanted 
to see me — and orders her grinning nigger to show me a 
room. 

Tif We were exceedingly happy to welcome you as 
our guest ! 

True. Happy 1 You happy ? Ah ! Antony ! Antony ! 
that hatchet face of your's, and those criss-cross furrows 
tell quite another story ! It's many a long day since you 
were happy at anything! You look as if you'd melted 
down your flesh into dollars, and mortgaged your soul in 
the bargain ! Your warm heart has grown cold over your 

c 



18 fashion. [Act II 

ledger — your light spirits heavy with calculation ! You 
have traded away your youth — your hopes — your tastes for 
wealth ! and now you have the wealth you coveted, what 
does it profit you ? Pleasure it cannot buy ; for you have 
lost your capacity for enjoyment — Ease it will not bring ; 
for the love of gain is never satisfied ! It has made your 
counting-house a penitentiary, and your home a fashionable 
museum where there is no niche for you ! You have spent 
so much time ciphering in the one, that you find yourself 
at last a very cipher in the other ! See me, man ! seventy- 
two last August! — strong as a hickory and every whit as 
sound ! 

Tif. I take the greatest pleasure in remarking your 
superiority, Sir. 

True, Bah ! no man takes pleasure in remarking the 
superiority of another? Why the deuce, can't you speak 
the truth, man? But it's not the fashion I suppose! I 
have not seen one frank, open face since — no, no, I can't 
say that either, though lying if catching ! There's that 
girl, Gertrude, who is trying to teach your daughter music 
— but Gertrude was bred in the country ! 

Tif. A good girl ; my wife and daughter find her very 
useful. 

True. Useful ? Well I must say you have queer no- 
tions of use ! — But come, cheer up, man ! I'd rather see 
one of your old smiles, than know you'd realized another 
thousand! I hear you are making money on the true, 
American, high pressure system — better go slow and sure 
— the more steam, the greater danger of the boiler's burst- 
ing ! All sound, I hope ? Nothing rotten at the core ? 

Tif Oh, sound — quite sound ! 

True. Well that's pleasant — though I must say you 
do'nt look very pleasant about it ! 

Tif My good friend, although I am solvent, I may say, 
perfectly solvent — yet you — the fact is, you can be of some 
assistance to me ! 

True. That's the fact is it? I'm glad we've hit upon 
one fact at last ! Well — 

[Snobson, who during this conversation has 
been employed in writing, but stops occa- 
sionally to listen, now gives vent to a dry 
chuckling laugh. 



Scene II.] FASHION. 19 

True. Hey? What's that? Another of those deuced 
ill-sounding, city laughs ! (sees Snobson) Who's that perched 
up on the stool of repentance — eh, Antony ? 

Snob. The old boy has missed his text there — that's 
the stool of repentance ! 

[aside and looking at Tiffany's seat. 

Tif One of my clerks — my confidential clerk ! 

True. Confidential? Why he looks for all the world 
like a spy — the most inquisitorial, hang-dog face — ugh ! 
the sight of it makes my blood run cold ! Come, (crosses 
r.) let us talk over matters where this critter can't give us 
the benefit of his opinion ! Antony, the next time you 
choose a confidential clerk, take one that carries his cre- 
dentials in his face — those in his pocket are not worth 
much without ! 

[Exeunt Trueman and Tiffany, r. 1 e. 
Snob, (jumping from his stool and advancing c.) The 
old prig has got the tin, or Tiff would never be so civil ! 
All right — Tiff will work every shiner into the concern — 
all the better for me ! Now I'll go and make love to 
Seraphina. The old woman needn't try to knock me down 
with any of her French lingo ! Six months from to-day if 
I aint driving my two footmen tandem, down Broadway — 
and as fashionable as Mrs. Tiffany herself, then I aint the 
trump I thought I was! that's all. (looks at his watch) 
Bless me ! eleven o'clock and I haven't had my julep yet ? 
Snobson, I'm ashamed of you ! 

[Exit, l. 

SCENE II. 

The interior of a beautiful conservatory ; walk through the 
centre; stands of flower pots in bloom ; a couple of 
rustic seats. Gertrude, r. c, attired in white, 
with a white rose in her hair ; watering the flowers. 
Colonel Howard, l., regarding her. 

How. y l. c. I am afraid you lead a sad life here, Miss 
Gertrude? 

Ger., r. c. (turning round gaily) What! amongst the 
flowers ? (continues her occupation) 

Hoiv. No, amongst the thistles, with which Mrs. Tif- 
fany surrounds you ; the tempests, which her temper raises ! 

Ger. They never harm me. Flowers and herbs are 

c 2 



20 fashion. [Act II. 

excellent tutors. I learn prudence from the reed, and bend 
until the storm has swept over me ! 

How. Admirable philosophy ! But still this frigid at- 
mosphere of fashion must be uncongenial to you? Accus- 
tomed to the pleasant companionship of your kind friends 
in Geneva, surely you must regret this cold exchange ? 

Ger. Do you think so? Can you suppose that I could 
possibly prefer a ramble in the woods to a promenade in 
Broadway ? A wreath of scented wild flowers to a bouquet 
of these sickly exotics ? The odour of new-mown hay to 
the heated air of this crowded conservatory? Or can you 
imagine that I could enjoy the quiet conversation of my 
Geneva friends, more than the edifying chit-chat of a 
fashionable drawing room? But I see you think me totally 
destitute of taste? 

How. You have a merry spirit to jest thus at your 
grievances ! 

Ger. I have my mania, — as some wise person declares 
that all men have, — and mine is a love of independence ! 
In Geneva, my wants were supplied by two kind old maiden 
ladies, upon whom I know not that I have any claim. I 
had abilities, and desired to use them. I came here at my 
own request; for here I am no longer dependent! Voila 
tout, as Mrs. Tiffany would say. 

How. Believe me, I appreciate the confidence you re- 
pose in me ! 

Ger. Confidence ! Truly, Colonel Howard, the confi- 
dence is entirely on your part, in supposing that I confide 
that which I have no reason to conceal ! I think I informed 
you that Mrs. Tiffany only received visitors on her reception 
day — she is therefore not prepared to see you. Zeke — Oh! 
I beg his pardon — Adolph, made some mistake in admitting 
you. 

How. Nay, Gertrude, it was not Mrs. Tiffany, nor 
Miss Tiffany, whom I came to see ; it — it was — 

Ger. The conservatory perhaps ? I will leave you to 
examine the flowers at leisure ! (crosses l..) 

How. Gertrude — listen to me. If I only dared to 
give utterance to what is hovering upon my lips! (aside) 
Gertrude ! 

Ger. Colonel Howard ! 

Hoiv. Gertrude, I must — must — 



Scene II.] FASHION. 21 

Ger. Yes, indeed you must, must leave me ! I think 
I hear somebody coming — Mrs. Tiffany would not be well 
pleased to find you here — pray, pray leave me — that door 
will lead you into the street. 

[Hurries him out through door, c. f. ; takes up 

her watering pot, and commences watering 

flowers, tying up branches, $'c. 

What a strange being is man ! Why should he hesitate 

to say — nay, why should I prevent his saying, what I 

would most delight to hear? Truly man is strange — but 

woman is quite as incomprehensible ! 

(walks about gathering flowers^ 

Enter Count Jolimaitre, l. 

Count. There she is — the bewitching little creature ! 
Mrs. Tiffany and her daughter are out of ear-shot. I caught 
a glimpse of their feathers floating down Broadway, not ten 
minutes ago. Just the opportunity I have been looking 
for! Now for an engagement with this captivating little 
piece of prudery! 'Pon honor, I am almost afraid she 
will not resist a Count long enough to give value to the 
conquest, {approaches her) Ma belle petite, were you ga- 
thering roses for me ? 

Ger. (starts on first perceiving him, but instantly re- 
gains her self-possession) The roses here, Sir, are carefully 
guarded with thorns — if you have the right to gather, pluck 
for yourself! 

Count. Sharp as ever, little Gertrude ! But now that 
we are alone, throw off this frigidity, and be at your ease. 

Ger. Permit me to be alone, Sir, that I may be at my 
ease ! 

Count. Very good, ma belle, well said ! {applauding her 
with his hands) Never yield too soon, even to a title! But, 
as the old girl may find her way back before long, we may 
as well come to particulars at once. I love you ; but that 
you know already, (rubbing his eye-glass unconcernedly with 
his handkerchief) Before long I shall make Mademoiselle 
Seraphina my wife, and, of course, you shall remain in 
the family ! 

Ger. (indignantly) Sir — 

Count. Ton my honor you shall! In France we arrange 
these little matters without difficulty ! 



22 fashion. [Act II. 

Ger. But I am an American! Your conduct proves 
that you are not one ! [going, crosses, r. h. 

Count, (preventing her) Don't run away, my immacu- 
late petite Americaine! Demme, you've quite overlooked 
my condescension — the difference of our stations — you a 
species of upper servant — an orphan — no friends. 

Enter True man unperceived, r. u. e. 

Ger. And therefore more entitled to the respect and 
protection of every true gentleman t Had you been one, 
you would not have insulted me ! 

Count. My charming little orator, patriotism and decla- 
mation become you particularly ! (ajyproaches her) I feel 
quite tempted to taste — 

True, (thrusting him aside) An American hickory switch! 
(strikes him) Well, how do you like it? 

Count. Old matter-of-fact! (aside) Sir, how dare you? 

True. My stick lias answered that question ! 

Ger. Oh ! now I am quite Baft I 

True* Safe! not a bit safer than before! All women 
would be safe, if they knew how virtue became them ! As 
for you, Mr. Count, what have you to say for yourself? 
Come, speak out! 

Count. Sir, — aw — aw — you don't understand these 
matters ! 

True. That's a fact ! Not having had your experience, 
I don't believe I do understand them ! 

Count. A piece of pleasantry — a mere joke — 

True. A joke was it? Til show you a joke worth two 
of that! I'll teach you the way we natives joke with a 
puppy who don't respect an honest woman! (seizing him) 

Count. Oh ! oh ! demme — you old ruffian ! let me go. 
What do you mean? 

True. Oh! a piece of pleasantry — a mere joke — very 
pleasant isn't it? 

[Attempts to strike him again ; Count strug- 
gles with him. Enter Mrs. Tiffany has- 
tily, l 2 e., in her bonnet and shawl. 

Mrs. Tif. What is the matter? I am perfectly abimi 
with terror. Mr. Trueman, what has happened? 

True. Oh ! we have been joking ! 

Mrs. Tif. (to Count, who is re-arranging his dress) 



Scene II.] FASHION. 23 

My dear Count, I did not except to find you here — how 
kind of you ! 

True. Your dear Count, has been showing his kindness 
in a ven* foreign manner. Too foreign I think, he found 
it to be relished by an unfashionable native! What do you 
think of a puppy, who insults an innocent girl all in the 
wav of kindness? This Count of your' s — this importation 
of— 

Count. My dear Madam, demme, permit me to explain. 
It would be unbecoming — demme — particularly unbecoming 
of you — aw — aw — to pay any attention to this ignorant 
person, (crosses to Trueman.) Anything that he says 
concerning a man of my standing — aw — the truth is, 
Madam — 

True. Let us haye the truth by all means, — if it is only 
for the novelty's sake! 

Count, (turning his back /oTrvkman) You see, madam, 
hoping to obtain a few moments' private conversation with 
Miss Seraphina — with Miss Seraphina I say — and — aw — 
and knowing her passion for flowers, I found my way to 
your very tasteful and recherche conservatory, {looks about 
beautifully arranged — does you great 
credit, madam! Here I encountered this young person. 
She was inclined to be talkative; and I indulged her with 
— with a — aw — demme — a few commonplaces! What passed 
between us was mere harmless badinage — on my part. You, 
madam, you — so conversant with our European manners — 
you are aware that when a man of fashion — that is, when 
a woman — a man is bound — amongst noblemen, you know — 

Mrs. Tif I comprehend you perfectly — parfittement, 

dear Count. 

Count. 'Pon my honor, that's very obliging of her. 

(aside) 

Mrs Tif. I am shocked at the plebeian forwardness of 
this conceited girl ! 

Tme. (walking up to Count) Did you ever keep a 
reckoning of the lies you tell in an hour ? 

Mrs Tif. Mr. Trueman, I blush for you! 

(crosses c, to Trueman) 

True. Don't do that — you have no blushes to spare ! 

Mrs. Tif It is a man of rank whom you are addressing, 
Sir! 



2i FASHION. [Act II. 

True. A rank villain, Mrs. Antony Tiffany ! A rich 
one he would be, bad be as much gold as brass! 

Mrs. Tif. Pray pardon him, Count ; be knows nothing 
of how ton! 

Count. Demme, he's beneath my notice. I tell you 
what, old fellow — (True max raises his stick as Count 
approaches, the latter starts back) the sight of him discom- 
poses me — aw — I fed quite uncomfortable — aw — let us join 
your charming daughter ? I can't do you tbe honor to 
shoot you, Sir — {to Trueman) you are beneath me — a 
nobleman can't fight a commoner! Good bye, old True- 
penny! I — aw — I'm insensible to your insolence! 

[Exeunt Count ami Mrs. Tiffany, r. h. u. e. 

True. You won't be insensible to a cow hide in spite of 
your nobility! The next time he practises any of his foreign 
fashion* on you, Gertrude, You'll see how I'll wake up his 
sensibilities! 

Ger. I do not know what I should have done without 
you, sir. 

>>p. Yes, you do — you know that you would have done 
well enough! Never tell a lie, girl I not even for tbe sake 
of pleasing an old man! When you open your lips let 
vour heart speak. Never tell a lie! Let your face be the 
looking-glass of your soul — your heart its clock — while 
your tongue rings the hours! lkit tbe glass must be clear, 
the clock true, and then there's no fear but the tongue will 
do its duty in a woman's head! 

Ger. ion are very good, Sir! 

ie. That's as it may be ! — How my heart warms to- 
wards her ! (aside) Gertrude, I hear that you have no 
moth it [ 

Ger. Ah ! no, Sir ; I wish I had. 

True, So do I! Heaven knows, so do I ! (aside, and 
tvith emotion) And you have no father, Gertrude? 

Ger. No, Sir — I often wish I had ! 

True, [hurriedly) Don't do that, girl! don't do that! 
Wish you had a mother — but never wish that you had a 
father again ! Perhaps the one you had did not deserve 
such a child ! 

Enter Prudence, r. u. e., down l. h. 

Pru. Seraphina is looking for you, Gertrude. 

Ger. I will go to her. (crosses to r. h.) Mr. Trueman, 






Scene 11/ fashion. 25 

you will not permit me to thank you, but you cannot pre- 
vent my gratitude ! \_Exit 3 R. U. E. 

True, {looking after her) If falsehood harbours there, 
I'll give up searching after truth ! 

[crosses r., retires up the stage musingly, and 
commences examining the flowers. 

Pru. What a nice old man he is to be sure ! I wish 
he would say something ! (aside) 

[crosses r., icalks after him, turning when he 
I — after a pause, 
Don't mind me, Mr. Trucman ! 

True. Mind you . 7 Oh ! no, don't be afraid (crosses l.) 
— I was'nt minding you. Nobody seems to mind you much ! 
[continues walking and examining the flowers — 
Prudence follows. 

Pru, Very pretty tlowers, aint they? Gertrude takes 
care of them. 

ude ? So I hear — {advancing L. c.) I sup- 
pose you r.'in tell me now who this Gertrude — 

Pru, Who she's in lore with? I n were going 

to say that ! Til tell you all about it ! Gertrude, she's 
in love with — Mr. Twinkle ! and Ik's in love with her. 
And Seraphina she's in lore with Count Jolly — what-d'ye- 
call-it : but Count Jolly don't take to her at all— but Colonel 
Howard — he's the man— he's desperate about her! 

True. Why you feminine newspaper! Howard in love 
with that quintessence of affectation ! Howard — the only, 
frank, straightforward fellow that I've nut since — I'll tell 
him my mind on the subject I And Gertrude hunting for 
happiness in a rhyming dictionary ! The girl's a greater 
fool than I took her fo [crosses r. 

Pru. So she is — you see I know all about them ! 

True. I see you do ! You've a wonderful knowledge — 
wonderful — of other people's concer/is! It may do here, 
but take my word for it, in the county of Catteraugus you'd 
get the name of a great busy-body. But perhaps you know 
that too . ? 

Pru. Oh! I always know what's coming. I feel it be- 
forehand all over me. I knew something was going to 
happen the day you came here — and what's more I can 
always tell a married man from a single — I felt right off 
that you were a bachelor ? 



26 fashion. [Act II. 

True. Felt right off I was a bachelor did you ? you were 
sure of it — sure?— quite sure? {Prudence assents de- 
lightedly) Theu you felt wrong ! — a bachelor and a wi- 
dower are not the same thing! 

Pru. Oh ! but it all comes to the same thing — a wi- 
dower's as good as a bachelor any day! And besides I 
knew that you were a farmer right off. 

True. On the spot, eh? I suppose you saw cabbages 
and green peas growing out of my hat ? 

Pru. No, I did'nt — but I knew all about you. And I 
knew — (looking down and fid get ting with her apron) I knew 
you were for getting married soon ! For last night I 
dream't I saw your funeral going along the streets, and 
the mourners all dressed in white. And a funeral is a sure 
sign of a wedding you know ! {nudging him with her elbow) 

True, (imitating her voice). Well I can't say that I 
any such thing ! you know ! (nudging her back) 

Pru. Oh ! it does, and there's no getting over it ! For 
my part, I like farmers — and I know all about setting hens 
and turkeys, and feeding chickens, and laying eggs, and all 
that sort of thiug ! 

True. May I be shot ! if mistress newspaper is not put- 
ting in an advertisement for herself-! This is your city 
mode of courting I suppose, ha, ha, ha! (aside) 

Pru. I've been west, a little; but I never was in the 
county of Catteraugus, myself. 

True. Oh ! you were not ? And you have taken a par- 
ticular fancy to go there, eh ? 

Pru. Perhaps I should' nt object — 

True. Oh! — ah! — so I suppose. Now pay attention 
to what I am going to say, for it is a matter of great im- 
portance to yourself. 

Pru. Now it's coming — I know what he's going to say ! 
(aside) . 

True. The next time you want to tie a man for life to 
your apron-strings, pick out one that don't come from the 
county of Catteraugus — for green horns are scarce in those 
parts, and modest women plenty ! [Exit, r. 

Pru. Now who'd have thought he was going to say 
that ! But I won't give him up yet — I won't give him up. 

[Exit, r. 

END OF ACT II. 



SCEXE I.] FASHION. 27 

ACT III. 

SCENE I. 

Mrs. Tiffany's Parlor. Enter Mrs. Tiffany, r. 1 e., 
followed by Mr. Tiffany. 

Tif. " Your extravagance will ruin me, Mrs. Tiffany \" 

Mrs. Tif. " And your stinginess will ruin me, Mr. 
" Tiffany ! It is totally and toot a fate impossible to con- 
M vince you of the necessity of keeping up appearances. 
" There is a certain display which every woman of fashion 
" is forced to make!" 

Tif. " And pray who made you a woman of fashion .'' , 

Mrs. Tif. " What a vulgar question ! All women of 
" fashion, Mr. Tiffany—" 

Tif. " In this land are self constituted, like you, Madam 
" — and fashion is the cloak for more sins than charity ever 
" covered ! It was for fashion s sake that you insisted upon 
" my purchasing this expensive house — it was for fashion's 
" sake that you ran me in debt at every exorbitant uphol- 
" sterer's and extravagant furniture warehouse in the city — 
" it was for fashion s sake that you built that ruinous con- 
" servatory — hired more servants than they have persons 
" to wait upon — and dressed vour footman like a har- 
lequin!" 

Mrs. Tif. " Mr. Tiffany, you are thoroughly plebeian, 
M and insufferably American, in your grovelling ideas ! 
" And, pray, what was the occasion of these very mal-ap~ 
l< pro-pos remarks I Merely because I requested a paltry 
" fifty dollars to purchase a new style of head-dress — a bijou 
"of an article just introduced in France." 

Tif. " Time was, Mrs. Tiffany, when you manufactured 
u vour own French head-dresses — took off their first gloss 
" at the public balls, and then sold them to your shortest- 
" sighted customers. And all you knew about France, or 
" French either, was what you spelt out at the bottom of 
" vour fashion plates — but now you have grown so fashion- 
" able, forsooth, that you have forgotten how to speak your 
" mother tongue !" 

Mrs. Tif. " Mr. Tiffany, Mr. Tiffany ! Nothing is more 



28 fashion. [Act III. 

" positively vulgarian — more unaristocratic than any allu- 
" sion to the past !" 

Tif " Why I thought, my dear, that aristocrats lived 
" principally upon the past — and traded in the market of 
" fashion with the bones of their ancestors for capital ?" 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Tiffany, such vulgar remarks are only 
suitable to the counting house, in my drawing room you 
should — 

Tif Vary my sentiments with my locality, as you 
change your manners with your dress! 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Tiffany, I desire that you will purchase 
Count d'Orsay's "Science of Etiquette," and learn how to 
conduct yourself — especially before you appear at the grand 
ball, which I shall give on Friday! 

Tf. Confound your balls, Madam ; they make foot- 
balls of my money, while you dance away all that I am 
worth ! A pretty time to give a ball when you know that 
I am on the very brink of bankruptcy ! 

Mrs. Tif. So much the greater reason that nobody 
should suspect your circumstances, or you would lose your 
credit at once. Just at this crisis a ball is absolutely ne- 
ry to save your reputation ! There is Mrs. Adolphus 
Dashaway — she gave the most splendid fete of the season — 
and I hear on very good authority that her husband has 
not paid his baker's bill in three months. Then there was 
Mrs. Honey wood — 

\ Gave a ball the night before her husband shot 
himself — perhaps you wish to drive me to follow his ex- 
ample? [crosses r. l. h. 

Mrs. Tif. Good gracious ! Mr. Tiffany, how you talk ! 
I beg you won't mention anything of the kind. I consider 
black the most unbecoming color. I'm sure I've done all 
that I could to gratify you. There is that vulgar old tor- 
ment, Trueman, who gives one the lie fifty times a day — 
have'nt I been very civil to him ? 

Tif Civil to his wealthy Mrs. Tiffany ! I told you that 
he was a rich, old farmer — the early friend of my father — 
my own benefactor — and that I had reason to think he 
might assist me in my present embarrassments. Your ci- 
vility was bought — and like most of your own purchases 
has yet to be paid for. [crosses to r. h. 

Mrs. Tif. And will be, no doubt ! The condescension 



Scene 1.1 fashion. 29 

of a woman of fashion should command any price. Mr. 
Trueman is insupportably indecorous — he has insulted 
Count Jolimaitre in the most outrageous manner. If the 
Count was not so deeply interested — so abime with Sera- 
phina, I am sure he would never honor us by his visits 
again ! 

Tif. So much the better — he shall never marry my 
daughter! — I am resolved on that. Why, Madam, lam 
told there is in Paris a regular matrimonial stock company, 
who fit out indigent dandies for this market. How do I 
know but this fellow is one of its creatures, and that he has 
come here to increase its dividends by marrying a fortune ? 

Mrs. Tif Nonsense, Mr. Tiffany. The Count, the 
most fashionable young man in all New York — the intimate 
friend of all the dukes and lords in Europe — not marry my 
daughter? Not permit Seraphina to become a Countess? 
Mr. Tiffany, you are out of your senses! 

Tif. That would not be very wonderful, considering how 
many years I have been united to you, my dear. Modern 
physicians pronounce lunacy infectious ! 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Tiffany, he is a man of fashion — 

Tif. Fashion makes fools, but cannot feed them. By 
the bye, I have a request, — since you are bent upon ruining 
me by this ball, and there is no help for it, — I desire that 
vou will send an invitation to my confidential clerk, Mr. 
Snobson. 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Snobson! Was there ever such an 
you-nick demand! Mr. Snobson would cut a pretty figure 
amongst my fashionable friends ! I shall do no such thing, 
Mr. Tiffany. 

Tif. Then, Madam, the ball shall not take place. Have 
I not told you that I am in the power of this man? That 
there are circumstances which it is happy for you that you 
do not know — which you cannot comprehend, — but which 
render it essential that you should be civil to Mr. Snobson ? 
Not you merely, but Seraphina also? He is a more appro- 
priate match for her than your foreign favorite. 

Mrs. Tif. A match for Seraphina, indeed! (crosses) Mr. 
Tiffany, you are determined to make afow pas. 

Tif. Mr. Snobson intends calling this morning. 

[crosses fo l, h, 



30 fashion. [Act III. 

Mrs Tif. But, Mr. Tiffany, this is not reception day — 
my drawing-rooms are in the most terrible disorder — 
Tif. Mr. Snobson is not particular — he must be admitted. 

Enter Zeke, l. 
Zeke. Mr. Snobson. 

Enter Snobson, l.; exit Zeke, l. 

Snob. How dye do, Marm ? (crosses to c.) How are 
you? Mr. Tiffany, your most! — 

Mrs. Tif. (formally) Bung jure. Comment vow porte 
voiVy Monsur Snobson ? 

Snob. Oh, to be sure — very good of you — fine day. 

Mrs. Tif (pointing to a chair with great dignity) Sas- 
soye: vow, Monsur Snobson. 

Snob, I wonder what she's driving at? I aint up to 
the fashionable lingo yet! (aside) Eh? what? Speak a 
little louder. Marm? 

Mrs. Tif. What ignorance! (aside) 

Tif I presume Mrs. Tiffany means that you are to t; 
a seat. 

Snob. Ex-actly — very obliging of her — so I will, (sits) 
No ceremony amonst friends, you know — and likely to be 
ftrer — you understand? 0. K., all correct. IIow is 
Seraphina . 7 

Mrs. Tif. Miss Tiffany is not visible this morning. 

[retires up. 

Snob. Not visible? (jumping up, crosses, r.) I suppose 
that's the English for can't see her? Mr. Tiffany, Sir — 
(walking up to him) what am I to understand by this de~ 
fal-ca-tion, Sir? I expected your word to be as good as 
your bond — beg pardon, Sir — I mean better — considerably 
better — no humbug about it, Sir. 

Tif Have patience, Mr. Snobson. (rings bell) 
Enter Zeke, l. 
Zeke, desire my daughter to come here. 

Mrs. Tif (coming down, c.) Adolph — I say, Adolph — 

[Zeke straightens himself and assumes f>p pish 

airs, as he turns to Mrs. Tiffany. 

Tif. Zeke. 

Zeke. Don't know any such nigga, Boss. 

Tif. Do as I bid you instantly, or off with your livery 
and quit the house! 



Scene I.] fashion. 31 

Zeke. Wheugh! I'se all dismission! [exit, r. 

Mrs. Tif. A-dolph, A-dolph! (calling after him) 

Snob. I brought the old boy to his bearings, didn't I 
though ! Pull that string, and he is sure to work right. 
(aside) Don't make any stranger of me, Marm — I'm quite 
at home. If you've got any odd jobs about the house to 
do up, I sha'nt miss you. I'll amuse myself with Sera- 
phina when she comes — we'll get along very cosily by our- 
selves. 

Mrs. Tif. Permit me to inform you, Mr. Snobson, that 
a French mother never leaves her daughter alone with a 
young man — she knows your sex too well for that! 

Snob. Very efo-obliging of her — but as we're none 
French — 

Mrs. Tif. You have yet to learn, Mr. Snobson, that the 
American ee-liyht — the aristocracy — the how-ton — as a mat- 
ter of conscience, scrupulously follow the foreign fashions. 

Snob. Not when they ire foreign to their interests, 
Marm — for instance — (enter Seraphina, r.) There you 
are at last, eh, Miss? How dye do! Ma said you weren't 
visible. Managed to gel ■ peep at her, eh, Mr. Tiffany \ 

Sera. I heard you were here, Mr. Snobson, and came 
without even arranging my toilette; you will excuse nay 
negligent 

Snob. Of everything but me, Miss. 

Sera. I shall never have to ask your pardon for that, 
Mr. Snobson. 

Mrs. Tif. Seraphina — child — really — 

[as she is approaching Seraphina, Mr. Tif- 
fany plants himself in front of his wife. 

Tif. Walk this way, Madam, if you please. To see 
that she fancies the surly fellow takes a weight from my 
heart, (aside) 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Tiffany, it is highly improper and not 
at all distingue to leave a young girl — 
Enter Zeke, l. 

Zeke. Mr. Count Jolly-made-her ! 

Mrs. Tif. Good gracious ! The Count — Oh, dear ! — 
Seraphina, run and change your dress, — no there's not 
time ! A-dolph, admit him. [Exit Zeke, l. 

Mr. Snobson, get out of the way, will you ? Mr. Tiffany, 
what are you doing at home at this hour ? 



32 FASHION. r III. 

Enter Count Jolimaitre, l., ushered by Zeke. 
Zeke. Dat's de genuine article ob a gemman. (aside j 

[Exit, l. 
Mrs. Tif. My dear Count, I am overjoyed at the very 
sight of you. 

Count. Flattered myself you'd be glad to see me, Madam 
— knew it was not your jour de reception. 
Mrs. Tif But for you, Count, all days — 
Count. I thought so. Ah, Miss Tiffany, on my honor 
you're looking beautiful. [p-osses r. 

OUDtj flattery from you — 
ob. What ? Eh ? WhAffl that you say ? 
8. Nothing but what etiquette requires. 

[aside to hint. 
Count, {regarding Mr. Tiffany through his eye glass) 
Your worthy Papa, I believe f Sir, your most obedient. 
[Mr. Tiffany bows coldly; Count rega 
Snobson through his glass, shrugs his 
shoulders and turns away. 
Snob, (to Mrs. Tiffany) Introduce me, will you? I 
never knew a Count in all my life — what a strange-looking 
animal ! 

Mrs. Tif. Mr. Snobson, it is not the fashion to intro- 
duce in France ! 

•b. But, Marm, we're in America. (Mrs. T. crosses 
to Count, r.) The woman thinks she's somewhere else than 
where she is — she wants to make an alibi f (aside) 

Mrs. Tif I hope that we shall have the pleasure of 
Yi >u on Friday evening, Count? 
nt. Really, madam, my invitations — my engage- 
ments — so numerous — I can hardly answer for myself: 
and you Americans take offence so easily — 

Mrs. Tif. But, Count, everybody expects you at our 
ball — you are the principal attraction — 
Sera. Count, you must come! 

Count. Since you insist — aw — aw — there's no resisting 
you, Miss Tiffany. 

Mrs. Tif. I am so thankful. How can I repay your 
condescension! (Count and Seraphina converse) Mr. 
Snobson, will you walk this way ? — I have such a cactus in 
full bloom — remarkable flower ! Mr. Tiffany, pray come 
here — I have something particular to say. 



Scene I.] fashion. . c 3 

Tif. Then speak out, my dear — I thought it was highly 
improper just now to leave a girl with a youug man ? 

[aside to her. 

Mrs. Tif. Oh, but the Count— that is different ! 

Tif. I suppose you mean to say there's nothing of the 
man about him ? 

Enter Millinette, l., with a scarf in her hand. 
Mil. Adolph tell me he vas here, (aside) Pardon, 
Madame, I bring (lis scarf for Mademoiselle. 

Mrs. Tif. Very well, Millinette ; you know best what 
is proper for her to wear. 

[Mr. and Mrs. Tiffany and Snobson retire 
vp ; she engages the attention of both 
gent I em 

[ M I L L I N l :tt i: crosses, L . , towards S B R A P H I N A, 

t/ircs the Count a threatening look, and 

co)> r;ing the scarf over Sera- 

imiin k'f 

Mil, Mademoiselle,] i. Pcrfide! (aside to 

Count) If AfademoiseDe vil Btand tranquille one petit 

moment, (turns BkRAPHINA'a back to t he COUNT, and pre- 

tends to arrange the scarf) I must speak vid you to-day, 
or I tell all — you find me at de foot of de stair ven you 
go. Prend garde! (aside to Count) 

Sera. What is that you say, Millinette? 

Mil. Dis scarf make you so very beautiful, Mademoiselle 
— Je rons salne, mcs dames, (cnrtsies) [exit L. 

Count. Not a moment to lose! (aside) Miss Tiffany, 
I have an unpleasant — a particularly unpleasant piece of 
intelligence — you see, I have just received a letter from my 
friend — the — aw — the Earl of Airshire ; the truth is, the 
Earl's daughter — beg you won't mention it — has distin- 
guished me by a tender penchant. 

Sera. I understand — and they wish you to return and 
marry the young lady ; but surely you will not leave us, 
Count? 

Count. If you bid me stay — I shouldn't have the co 1- 
science — I couldn't afford to tear myself away. I'm sure 
that's honest (aside) 

Sera. Oh, Count! 

Count. Say but one word — say that you shouldn't mind 

D 



34 fashion. [Act III. 

being made a Countess — and I'll break with the Earl to- 
morrow. 

Sera. Count, this surprise — but don't think of leaving 
the country, Count — we could not pass the time without 
you! I — yes— yes, Count — I do consent! 

Count. I thought she would ! (aside, while he embraces 
her) Enchanted, rapture, bliss, ecstacy, and all that sort of 
thing — words can't express it, but you understand. But it 
must be kept a secret — positively it must I If the rumour 
of our engagement were whispered abroad — the Earl's daugh- 
ter — the delicacy of my situation, aw — you comprehend ? 
It is even possible that our nuptials, my charming Miss 
Tiffany, our nuptials must take place in private ! 

Sera. Oh, that is quite impossible ! 

Count. It's the latest fashion abroad — the very latest! 
Ah, I knew that would determine you. Can I depend on 
your secrecy ! 

Sera. Oh, yes ! Believe me. 

Snob, (coming forward in spite of Mrs. Tiffany's 
efforts to detain him) Why Seraphina, havn't you a word 
to throw to a dog ? 

Tif. I shouldn't think she had after wasting so many 
upon a puppy, (aside) 

Enter Zeke, l., wearing a three-cornered hat. 

Zcke. Missus, de bran new carriage am below. 

Mrs. Tif. Show it up, — I mean, Very well, A-dolph. 

[Exit Zeke, l. 
Count, my daughter and I are about to take an airing in 
our new voyture, — will you honor us with your company ? 

Count. Madam, I — I have a most pressing engagement. 
A letter to write to the Earl of Airshire — who is at present 
residing in the Isle of Sky e. I must bid you good morning. 

Mrs. Tif. Good morning, Count. 

[Exit Count, l. 

Snob. Tm quite at leisure, (crosses to Mrs. T.) Marm. 
Books balanced — ledger closed — nothing to do all the after- 
noon, — I'm for you 

Mrs. Tif (without noticing him) Come, Seraphina, 
come ! [as they are going Snobson follows them. 

Snob. But Marm — I was saying, Marm, I am quite at 
leisure — not a thing to do ; have I, Mr. Tiffany ? 



Scene II.] FASHION. oo 

Mrs. Tif. Seraphina, child — your red shawl — remember 
— Mr. Snobson, bon swear ! 

[Exit, l., leading Seraphina. 

Snob. Swear ! Mr. Tiffany, Sir, am I to be fobbed off 
with a bon swear ? D — n it, I will swear ! 

Tif. Have patience, Mr. Snobson, if you will accom- 
pany me to the counting house — 

Snob. Don't count too much on me, Sir. I'll make 
up no more accounts until these are settled ! I'll run down 
and jump into the carriage in spite of her bon swear. 

[Exit, l. 

Tif. You'll jump into a hornet's nest, if you do ! Mr. 
Snobson, Mr. Snobson ! [Exit after hi jr. 

SCENE II. 

Housekeeper s Room. Enter Millinette, r. 

Mil. I have set dat bete, Adolph, to vatch for him. He 
say he would come back so soon as Madame' s voiture drive 
from de door. If he not come — but he vill — he vill — he 
bien etourdi, but he have bon cceur. 

Enter Count, l. 

Count. Ah ! Millinette, my dear, you see what a good- 
natured dog I am to fly at your bidding — 

Mil. Fly ? Ah ! trompeur ! Vat for you fly from Paris I 
Vat for you leave me — and I love you so much? Ven you 
sick — you almost die — did I not stay by you — take care of 
you — and you have no else friend ? Vat for you leave 
Paris ? 

Count. Never allude to disagreeable subjects, mon en- 
fant ! I was forced by uncontrollable circumstances to fly 
to the land of liberty — 

Mil. Vat you do vid all de money I give you ? The 
last sou I had — did I not give you ? 

Count. I dare say you did, ma petite — wish you'd been 
better supplied ! (aside) Don't ask any questions here — 
can't explain now — the next time we meet — 

Mil. But, ah ! ven shall ve meet — ven ? You not de- 
ceive me, not any more. 

Count. Deceive you ! I'd rather deceive myself — I wish 
I could ! I'd persuade myself you were once more wash- 
ing linen in the Seine ! (aside) 



36 fashion. [Act III. 

Mil. I vil tell you ven ve shall meet — On Friday night 
Madame give one grand ball — you come sans doute — den 
ven de supper is served — de Americans tink of noting else 
ven de supper come — den you steal out of de room, and 
you find me here — and you give me one grand explanation ! 

Eater Gertrude, r., unperceived. 

Count. Friday night — while supper is serving — -parole 
d'honneur I will be here — I will explain every thing — my 
sudden departure from Paris — my — demme, my countship 
— every thing ! Now let me go — if any of the family 
should discover us — 

Ger. (who during the last speech has gradually ad- 
vanced, l.) They might discover more than you think it 
advisable for them to know ! 

Count The devil! 

Mil. Men Dieu t Mademoiselle Gertrude ! 

Count, (recovering himself) My dear Miss Gertrude, 
let me explain — aw — aw — nothing is more natural than the 
situation m which you find me — 

. I am inclined to believe that, Sir. 
fit. Now — 'pon my honor, that's not fair. Here is 
Millinette will bear witness to what I am about to say — 

Ger. Oh, I have not the slightest doubt of that, Sir. 
ut. You see, Millinette happened to be lady's-maid 
in the family of — of — the Duchess Chateau D'Espagne — 
and I chanced to be a particular friend of the Duchess — 
very particular I assure you ! Of course I saw Millinette, 
and she, demme, she saw me ! Didn't you, Millinette? 

Mil. Oh ! oui — Mademoiselle I knew him ver veil. 

Count. Well, it is a remarkable fact that — being in cor- 
respondence with this very Duchess — at this very time — 

Ger. That is sufficient, Sir — I am already so well ac- 
quainted with your extraordinary talents for improvisation, 
that I will not further tax your invention — 

Mil. Ah ! Mademoiselle Gertrude do not betray as — 
have pity! 

Count, {assuming an air of dignity) Silence, Millinette! 
My word has been doubted — the word of a nobleman! I 
will inform my friend, Mrs. Tiffany, of this young person's 
audacity, (going) 

Ger. His own weapons alone can foil this viltaJj*! (aside) 



Scene II.] FASHION. 37 

Sir — Sir — Count! (at the last word the Count turns) Per- 
haps, Sir, the least said about this matter the better! 

Count, (delighted!]/) The least said? We won't say 
anything at all. She's coming round — couldn't resist me ! 
(aside) Charming Gertrude — 

Mil. Quoi ? Vat that you say ? 

Count. My sweet, adorable Millinette, hold your tongue, 
will you ? (aside to he?) 

Mil. (aloud) No, I vill not ! If you do look so from 
out your eyes at her again, I vill tell all ! 

Count. Oh, I never could manage two women at once, 
— jealousy makes the dear creatures so spiteful. The only 
valor is in flight ! (aside) Miss Gertrude, I wish you 
good morning. Millinette, mon enfant, adieu. 

[Exit, l. 

Mil, But I have one word more to say. Stop, Stop ! 

[exit after him. 

Ger. (musingly) Friday night, while supper is serving, 
he is to meet Millinette here and explain — what I This 
man is an impostor ! His insulting me — his familiarity 
with Millinette — his whole conduct — prove it. If I tell 
Mrs. Tiffany this she will disbelieve me, and one word may 
place this so-called Count on his guard. To convince Sera- 
phina would be equally difficult, and her rashness and in- 
fatuation may render her miserable for life. No — she shall 
be saved ! I must devise some plan for opening their eyes. 
Truly, if I cannot invent one, I shall be the first woman 
who was ever at a loss for a stratagem — especially to punish 
a villain or to shield a friend. [Exit, r. 



END OF ACT III. 



38 fashion. [Act IV. 

ACT IV. 

SCENE I. 

Ball Room splendidly illuminated. A curtain hung at the 
further end. Mr. and Mrs. Tiffany, Seraph in a, 
Gertrude, Fogg, Twinkle, Count, Snobson, 
Colonel Howard, a number of guests — some seated, 
some standing. As the curtain rises, a cotillion is 
danced ; Gertrude dancing with Howard, Sera- 
phina with Count. 

Count, (advancing with Seraphina to the front of the 
stage) To-morrow then — to-morrow — I may salute you as 
my bride — demme, my Countess ! 

Enter Zeke, l., with refreshments. 
Sera. Yes, to morrow. 

[as the Count is about to reply, Snobson 
thrusts himself in front of Seraphina. 
Snob. You said you'd dance with me, Miss — now take 
my fin, and we'll walk about and see what's going on. 

[Count raises his eye-glass, regards Snobson, 
and leads Seraphina away ; Snobson 
follows, endeavoring to attract her atten- 
tion, but encounters, on l.h., Zeke, bear- 
ing a waiter of refreshments ; stops, helps 
himself, and puts some in his pockets. 
Here's the treat! get my to-morrow's luncheon out of Tiff. 

Enter Trueman, r, yawning and nibbing his eyes. 

True. What a nap I've had, to be sure! {looks at his 
watch) Eleven o'clock, as I'm alive! Just the time when 
country folks are comfortably turned in, and here your 
grand turn-out has hardly begun yet! 

[to Tiffany, who approaches. 

Ger. {advancing r.) I was just coming to look for you, 
Mr. Trueman. I began to fancy that you were paying a 
visit to dream-land. 

True. So I was child — so I was — and I saw a face — 
— like your' s — but brighter! — even brighter, {to Tiffany) 
There's a smile for you, man ! It makes one feel that the 
world has something worth living for in it yet ! Do you re- 



Scene I.] FASHION. 39 

member a smile like that, Anthony? Ah! I see you don't 
— but I do — I do ! {much moved) 

How. {advancing c.) Good evening, Mr. Trueman. 

[offers his hand. 
True. That's right man; give me your whole hand! 
When a man offers me the tips of his fingers, I know at 
once there's nothing in him worth seeking beyond his fin- 
gers ends. 

[Trueman and Howard, Gertrude and 
Tiffany converse. 
Mrs. Tif. {advancing c.) I'm in such a fidget lest that 
vulgar old fellow should disgrace us by some of his ple- 
beian remarks ! What it is to give a ball, when one is 
forced to invite vulgar people ! 

[Mrs. Tiffany advances towards Trueman; 
Seraphina stands conversing flippantly 
with the gentlemen icho surround her ; 
amongst them is Twinkle, who having 
taken a magazine from his pockety is read- 
ing to her, much to the undisguised annoy- 
ance of Snodson. 
Dear me, Mr. Trueman, you are very late — quite in the 
fashion I declare ! 

True. Fashion! And pray what is fashion, madam? 
An agreement between certain persons to live without using 
their souls ! to substitute etiquette for virtue — decorum for 
purity — manners for morals ! to affect a shame for the 
works of their Creator ! and expend all their rapture upon 
the works of their tailors and dressmakers! 

Mrs. Tif. You have the most otv-tray ideas, Mr. True- 
man — quite rustic, and deplorably American ! But pray 
walk this way. [Mrs. Tiffany and Trueman go up. 

Count, {advancing l., to Gertrude, who stands c, 
Howard r., a short distance behind her) Miss Gertrude — 
no opportunity of speaking to you before — in demand you 
know! 

Ger. I have no choice, I must be civil to him. (aside.) 
What were you remarking, Sir ? 

Count. Miss Gertrude — charming Ger — aw — aw — I 
never found it so difficult to speak to a woman before, {aside) 
Ger. Yes, a very charming ball — many beautiful faces 
here. 



40 FASHION. [Act IV. 

Coant. Only one! — aw — aw — one — the fact is — 

[talks to her in dumb show, up c. 
How. What could old Trueman have meant by saying 
she fancied that puppy of a Count — that paste jewel thrust 
upon the little finger of society. 

Count. Miss Gertrude — aw — 'pon my honor — you don't 
understand — really — aw — aw — will you dance the polka 
with me ? 

[Gertrude bows and gives him her hand ; he 
leads her to the set forming ; Howard 
remains looking after them. 
How. Going to dance with him too ! A few days ago 
she would hardly how to him civilly — could old Trueman 
have had reasons for what he said I [retires up. 

[Dance, the polka ; Seraphina, after having 
distributed her bouquet, vinaigrette and 
fan amongst the gentlemen, dances with 
Snobson. 
Pru. (peeping in l., as dance concludes) I don't like 
dancing on Friday ; something strange is always sure to 
happen! I'll be on the look out. 

[remains peeping and concealing herself when 

any of the company approach. 

Ger. (advancing hastily c.) They arc preparing the 

supper — now if I can only dispose of Millinette while I 

unmask this insolent pretender! [Exit R. 

Pru, (peeping) What's that she said? Its coming! 

der Gertrude, r., bearing a small basket filed with 
lets ; approaches Mrs. Tiffany ; they walk to the 
front of the stage. 

Ger. Excuse me, Madam — I believe this is just the 
hour at which you ordered supper? 

Mrs. Tif Well, what's that to you ! So you've been 
dancing with the Count — how dare you dance with a 
nobleman — you ? 

Ger. I will answer that question half an hour hence. 
At present I have something to propose, which I think 
will gratify you and please your guests. I have heard that 
at the most elegant balls in Paris, it is customary — 

Mrs. Tif. What? what? 

Ger. To station a servant at the door with a basket of 



Scene I ] FASHION. 41 

flowers. A bouquet is then presented to every lady as she 
passes in — I prepared this basket a short time ago. As 
the company walk in to supper, might not the flowers be 
distributed to advantage? 

Mrs. Tif. How distingue! You are a good creature, 
Gertrude — there, run and hand the bokettes to them your- 
self ! You shall have the whole credit of the thing. 

Ger. Caught in my own net ! (aside) But, madam, / 

know so little of fashions — Millinette, being French, herself 

will do it with so much more grace. I am sure Millinette — 

Mrs. Tif. So am I. She will do it a thousand times 

better than you — there go call her. 

Ger. (giving basket) But madam, pray order Millinette 
not to leave her station till supper is ended — as the com- 
pany pass out of the supper room she may find that some 
of {he ladies have been overlooked. 

Mrs. Tif. That is true — very thoughtful of you, Ger- 
trude. [Exit Gertrude, r. 
What a recherche idea! 

Enter Millinette, r. 
Here Millinette, take this basket. Place yourself there, 
(c.) and distribute these bokettes as the company pass 
in to supper ; but remember not to stir from the spot until 
supper is over. It is a French fashion you know, Milli- 
nette. I am so delighted to be the first to introduce it — it 
will be all the rage in the bow-monde ! 

Mil. Mon Dieu ! dis vili ruin all ! (aside) Madame, 
Madame, let me tell you, Madame, dat in France, in Paris, 
it is de custom to present les bouquets ven every body first 
come — long before de supper. Dis vould be outre! bar- 
bare ! not at all la mode ! Ven dey do come in dat is de 
fashion in Paris ! 

Mrs. Tif. Dear me ! Millinette what is the difference ? 
besides I'd have you to know that Americans always im- 
prove upon French fashions ! here, take the basket, and let 
me see that you do it in the most you-nick and genteel 
manner. 

[Millinette poutinghj takes the basket and 
retires up stage, l. A march. Curtain 
hung at the further end of the room is 
drawn back, and discloses a room, in the 
centre of which stands a, supper table. 



42 fashion. [Act IV. 

beautifully decorated and illuminated ; the 
company promenade two by two into the sup- 
per room ; Millinette presents bouquets as 
they pass ; Count leads Mrs. Tiffany. 
True, {encountering Fogg, who is hurrying alone to the 
supper room) Mr. Fogg, never mind the supper, man ! 
Ha, ha, ha ! Of course you are indifferent to suppers ! 

Fogg. Indifferent ! suppers — oh ah — no Sir — suppers ? 
no — no — I'm not indifferent to suppers ! 

[hurries away towards table. 
True. Ha, ha, ha ! Here's a new discovery I've made 
in the fashionable world ! Fashion don't permit the critters 
to have heads or hearts, but it allows them stomachs ! (to 
Tiffany, who advances) So it's not fashionable to feel, 
but it's fashionable to feed, eh, Anthony '? ha, ha, ha! 

[Trueman and Tiffany retire towards supper 
room. Enter Gertrude, followed by 
Zeke, r. 
Ger. Zeke, go to the supper room instantly, — whisper 
to Count Jolimaitre that all is ready, and that he must keep 
his appointment without delay, — then watch him, and as 
he passes out of the room, place yourself in front of Milli- 
nette in such a manner, that the Count cannot see her nor 
she him. Be sure that they do not see each other — every 
thing depends upon that. [crosses to r. h. 

Zeke. Missey, consider dat business brought to a sci- 
entific conclusion. 

[Exit into supper room. Exit. Gertrude, r. h. 
Pru. (who has been listening f What can she want of 
the Count? I always suspected that Gertrude, because 
she is so merry and busy ! Mr. Trueman thinks so much 
of her too — I'll tell him this! There's something wrong — 
but it all comes of giving a ball on a Friday ! How asto- 
nished the dear old man will be when he finds out how 
much I know ! 

[advances timidly towards the supper room. 

SCENE II. 

Housekeeper's room ; dark stage ; table, two chairs. Enter 
Gertrude, with a lighted candle in her hand. 

Ger. So far the scheme prospers ! and yet this impru- 



Scene 11/ FASHION. 43 

dence — if I fail f Fail ! to lack courage in a difficulty, or 
ingenuity in a dilemma, are not woman's failings! 

Enter Zeke, r., with a napkin over his arm, and a bottle 

of champagne in his hand. 
Well Zeke— Adolph ! 

Zeke. Dat's right, Missey ; I feels just now as if dat 
was my legitimate title; dis here's de stuff to make a nigger 
feel like a gem man! 

Ger. But is he coming? 

Zeke. He's coming! (sound of a champagne cork heard) 
Do you hear dat, Missey? Don't it put you all in a froth, 
and make you feel as light as a cork ? Dere's nothing like 
the union brand, to wake up de harmonies ob de heart. 

[drin ks from bottle. 

Ger. Remember to keep watch upon the outside — do 
not stir from the spot ; when I call you, come in quickly 
with a light — now, will you be gone ! 

Zeke. I'm off, Missey, like a champagne cork wid de 
strings cut. [Exit r. 

Ger. I think I hear the Count's step, {crosses l., stage 
dark ; she blows out candle) Now if I can but disguise my 
voice, and make the best of French. 

Enter Count, r. h. 

Count. Millinette, where are you ? How am I to see 
you in the dark ? 

Ger. (imitating Millinette's voice in a ivhisper) 
Hush ! parle bas. 

Count. Come here and give me a kiss. 

Ger. Non — non — (retreating alanned, Count follows) 
make haste, I must know all. 

Count. You did not use to be so deuced particular. 

Zeke. (without) No admission, gemman ! Box office 
closed, tickets stopped ! 

True, (without) Out of my way ; do you want me ro 
try if your head is as hard as my stick ? 

Ger. What shall I do ? Ruined, ruined ! 

[she stands with her hand clasped in speechless 
despair. 

Count. Halloa ! they are coming here, Millinette ! 
Millinette, why don't you speak? Where can I hide my- 
self? (running about stage, feeling for a door) Where are 



44 FASHION. T H~. 

all your closets ? If I could only get out — or get iu some- 
where ; may I be smothered in a clothes' basket, if you 
ever catch me in such a scrape again ! (his hand accidentally 
touches the knob of a door opening into a closet, l. f.) For- 
tune's favorite yet ! I'm safe ! 

[gets into closet and closes door. Enter Pru- 
dence, Trueman, Mrs. Tiffany, and 
Colonel Howard, r., followed by Zeke, 
bearing a light ; lights up. 
Pru. Here they are, the Count and Gertrude ! I told 
you so! [stops in surprise on seeing only Gertrude. 

True. And you see what a lie you told ! 
Mrs. Tif. Prudence, how dare you create this disturb- 
ance in my house ? To suspect the Count too — a nobleman ! 
How. My sweet Gertrude, this foolish old woman 
would — 

Pru. Oh! you needn't talk — I heard her make the 
appointment — I know he's here — or he's been here. I 
wonder if she hasn't hid him away ! 

[runs peeping about the room. 
True, (following her angrily) You're what I call a con- 
founded — troublesome — meddling — old — prying — (as he 
says the last word, Prudence opens closet where the 
Count is concealed) Thunder and lightning ! 
Pru. I told you so ! 

[they all stand aghast; Mrs. Tiffany, r., 
with her hands lifted in surprise and anger ; 
Trueman, r. c, clutching his stick; 
Howard, l. c, looking with an expres- 
sion of bewildered horror from the Count 
to Gertrude. 
Mrs. Tif. (shaking her fist at Gertrude) You de- 
praved little minx ! this is the meaning of your dancing 
with the Count! 

Count, (stepping from the closet and advancing l. h.) 
I don't know what to make of it ! Millinette not here ! 
Miss Gertrude — oh! I see — a disguise — the girl's desperate 
about me — the way with them all. (aside) 

True. I'm choking — I can't speak — Gertrude — no — no 
— it is some horrid mistake! (partly aside, changes his tone 
suddenly) The villain ! I'll hunt the truth out of him, if 
there's any in — (crosses l., approaches Count threateningly) 



Scene II.] FASHION. 45 

do you see this stick ? You made it's first acquaintance a 
few days ago ; it is time you were better known to each 
other. 

[as Trueman attempts to seize him, Count escapes, 
crosses r., and shields himself behind Mrs. 
Tiffany, Truem an following. 

Count. You ruffian ! would you strike a woman ? — 
Madam — my dear Madam — keep off that barbarous old 
man, and I will explain ! Madam, with — aw — your natural 
bon gout — aw — your fashionable refinement — aw — your — 
aw — your knowledge of foreign customs — 

Mrs. Tif. Oh ! Count, I hope it aint a foreign custom 
for the nobility to shut themselves up in the dark with 
young women ? We think such things dreadful in America. 

Count. Demme — aw — hear what I have to say, Madam 
— I'll satisfy all sides — I am perfectly innocent in this affair 
— 'pon my honor I am ! That young lady shall inform you 
that I am so herself! — can't help it, sorry for her. Old 
matter-of-fact won't be convinced any other way, — that 
club of his is so particularly unpleasant ! (aside) Madam, 
I was summoned here malgrS moi, and not knowing whom 
I was to meet — Miss Gertrude, favor this company by say- 
ing whether or not you directed — that — aw — aw — that 
colored individual to conduct me here ? 

Ger. Sir, you well know — 

Count. A simple yes or no will suffice. 

Mrs. Tif Answer the Count's question instantly, Miss. 

Ger. I did— but— 

Count. You hear, Madam — 

True. I won't believe it — I can't! Here you nigger, 
stop rolling up your eyes, and let us know whether she 
told you to bring that critter here ? 

Zeke. I'se refuse to gib ebidence ; dat's de device ob de 
skilfullest counsels ob de day ! Can't answer, Boss — neber 
git a word out ob dis child — Yah ! yah ! [Exit. 

Ger. Mrs. Tiffany, — Mr. Trueman, if you will but have 
patience — 

True. Patience ! Oh, Gertrude, you've taken from an 
old man something better and dearer than his patience — the 
one bright hope of nineteen years of self-denial — of nineteen 
years of — 

[throws himself upon a chair, his head leaning on table. 



46 fashion. [Act IV. 

Mrs. Tif. Get out of my house, you o&'dacious — you 
ruined — you abime young woman! You will corrupt all my 
family. Good gracious ! don't touch me, — don't come near 
me. Never let me see your face after to-morrow. Pack. 

[goes up. 

Hoiv. Gertrude, I have striven to find some excuse for 
you — to doubt — to disbelieve — but this is beyond all en- 
durance ! [JErif, r. h. 
Enter Millinette in haste, r. 

Mil. I could not come before — (stops in surprise at 
seeing the persons assembled) Mon Dieu ! vat does dis 
mean ? 

Count. Hold your tongue, fool ! You will ruin every- 
thing, I will explain to-morrow, (aside to her) Mrs. Tif- 
fany — Madam — my dear Madam, let me conduct you back 
to the ball-room, (she takes his arm) You see I am quite 
innocent in this matter ; a man of my standing, you know, 
— aw, aw — you comprehend the whole affair. 

[Exit Count leading Mrs. T., r. h. 

Mil. I \ ill say to him von vord, 1 will ! 

[Exit, r. 

Get. Mr. Trueman, I beseech you — I insist upon being 
heard, — I claim it as a right ! 

True. Right ? How dare you have the face, girl, to 
talk of rights ? (comes down) You had more rights than 
you thought for, but you have forfeited them all ! All 
right to love, respect, protection, and to not a little else 
that you don't dream of. Go, go ! I'll start for Catter- 
augus to-morrow, — I've seen enough of what fashion can 
do ! [Exit, r. h. 

Pru. (Wiping her eyes) Dear old man, how he takes 
on ! I'll go and console him ! [Exit, r. h. 

Ger. This is too much ! How heavy a penalty has my 
imprudence cost me ! — his esteem, and that of one dearer 
— my home — my — (burst of lively music from ball-room) 
They are dancing, and I — I should be weeping, if pride 
had not sealed up my tears. 

[She sinks into a chair. Band plays the polka 
behind till Curtain falls. 

END OF ACT IV. 



Scene I.] fashion. 47 

ACT V. 

SCENE I. 

Mrs. Tiffany's Drawing Boom — same Scene as Act 1st. 
Gertrude seated, r. at a table, with her head leaning 

on her hand ; in the other hand she holds a pen, A 

sheet of paper and an inkstand before her. 

Ger. How shall I write to them ? What shall I say? 
Prevaricate I cannot — (rises and comes forward) and yet 
if I write the truth — simple souls ! how can they compre- 
hend the motives for my conduct ? Nay — the truly pure 
see no imaginary evil in others ! It is only vice, that re- 
flecting its own image, suspects even the innocent. I have 
no time to lose — I must prepare them for my return, (re- 
sumes her seat and writes) What a true pleasure there is 
in daring to he frank ! (after writing a few lines more 
pauses) Not so frank either* — there is one name that I 
cannot mention. Ah ! that he should suspect — should 
despise me. (writes) 

Enter Trueman, l. 

True. There she is ! If this girl's soul had only been 
as fair as her face, — yet she dared to speak the truth, — I'll 
not forget that ! A woman who refuses to tell a lie has one 
spark of heaven in her still, (approaches her) Gertrude, 
[Gertrude starts and leoks up. 
Wfcat are vou writing there ? Plotting more mischief, eh, 
girl? 

Ger. I was writing a few lines to some friends in Geneva. 

True. The Wilsons, eh? 

Ger. (surprised, rising) Are vou acquainted with them, 
Sir? 

True. I shouldn't wonder if I was. I suppose you have 
taken good care not to mention the dark room — that foreign 
puppy in the closet — the pleasant surprise — and all that 
sort of thing, eh I 

Ger. I have no reason for concealment, Sir ! for I have 
done nothing of which I am ashamed ! 

True. Then I can't say much for your modesty. 

Ger. I should not wish you to say more than I deserve. 

True. There's a bold minx ! (aside) 



4S FASHION. [Act V. 

Ger. Since my affairs seem to have excited your interest 
— I will not say curiosity, perhaps you even feel a desire 
to inspect my correspondence ! There, (handing the letter) 
I pride myself upon my good nature, — you may like to take 
advantage of it ! 

True. With what an air she carries it off ! (aside) Take 
advantage of it ? So I will, (reads) What's this ? " French 
chambermaid — Count — impostor — infatuation — Seraphina 
Millinette — disguised myself — expose him. 91 Thunder and 
lightning! I see it all! Come and kiss me, girl! (Ger- 
trude em rprise) No, no — I forgot — it won't do 
to come to that yet I She's a rare girl! I'm out of my 
senses with joy ! I don't know what to do with myself! 
Tol, de rol, de rol, de ra ! [capers and sings. 
r. What a remarkable old man! (aside) Then you 
do me justice, Mr. Trueman [ 

True. I say I don't ! Justice? You're above all depend- 
ence upon justice I Hurrah! I've found one true woman 
at last f True? (pause* tin night fully) Humph! I didn't 
think of that flaw ! Plotting and manoeuvering — not much 
truth in that I An honest girl should be above stratagems ! 
Grr. But my mottce, Sir, was good. 

True* That's not enough — your action* must be good 
as well as your mot ires .' Why could you not tell the silly 
girl that the man was an impostor? 

r. I did inform her of my suspicions — she ridiculed 
them ; the plan I chose was an imprudent one, but I could 
not devise — 

True, I hate devising ! Give me a woman with the 

to be frank! But no matter — I had no right to 

look for an angel out of Paradise ; and I am as happy — as 

happy as a Lord! that is, ten times happier than any Lord 

ever was! Tol, de rol, de rol ! Oh! you — you — I'll thrash 

ry fellow that says a word against you! 

r. You will have plenty of employment then, Sir, 
for I do not know of one just now who would speak in my 
favor ! 

True. Not one, eh? Why, where's your dear Mr. 
Twinkle? I know all about it — can't say that I admire 
your choice of a husband ! But there's no accounting for 
a girl's taste. 

Gcr. Mr. Twinkle! Indeed you are quite mist; 



Scene I.] FASHION. 49 

True. No — really? Then you're not taken with him, eh ? 

Ger. Not even with his rhymes. 

True. Hang that old mother meddle-much ! What a 
fool she has made of me. And so you're quite free, and I 
may choose a husband for you myself ? Heart-whole, eh ? 

Ger. I — I — I trust there is nothing unsound about my 
heart. 

True. There it is again. Don't prevaricate, girl! I 
tell you an evasion is a lie in contemplation, and I hate 
lying ! Out with the truth ! Is your heart free or not ? 

Ger. Nay, Sir, since you demand an answer, permit 
me to demand by what right you ask the question ? 

Enter Howard, l. 
Colonel Howard here ! 

True. I'm out again ! What's the Colonel to her ? 

[retires up. 

How. (crosses to her) I have come, Gertrude, to bid 
you farewell. To-morrow I resign my commission aud 
leave this city, perhaps for ever. You, Gertrude, it is you 
who have exiled me ! After last evening — 

True, (coming forward c. Howard) What the plague 
have you got to say about last evening ? 

I Io>r . Mr. Trueinan ! 

True. What have you got to say about last evening 7 
and what have you to say to that little girl at all ? Its 
Tiffany's precious daughter you're in love with. 

How. Miss Tiffany f Never! I never had the slightest 
pretension — 

True. That lying old woman ! But I'm glad of it ! 
Oh ! Ah ! Urn ! (looking significantly at Gertrude and 
then at Howard) I see how it is. So you don't choose to 
marry Seraphina, eh ? Well now, whom do you choose 
to marry . 7 [glancing at Gertrude. 

How. I shall not marry at all ! 

True. You won't? (looking at them both again) Why 
you don't mean to say that you don't like — 

[points with his thumb to Gertrude. 

Ger. Mr. Trueman, I may have been wrong to boast of 
my good nature, but do not presume too far upon it. 

How. You like frankness, Mr. Trueman, therefore 1 
will speak plainly. I have long cherished a dream from 
which I was last night rudely awakened. 



50 FASHION. [Act V. 

True. And that's what you call speaking plainly ? 
Well, I differ with you ! But I can guess what you mean. 
Last night you suspected Gertrude there of — (angrily) of 
what no man shall ever suspect her again while I'm above 
ground ! You did her injustice, — it was a mistake ! There, 
now that matter's settled. Go, and ask her to forgive you, 
— she's woman enough to do it ! Go, go ! 

How. Mr. Trueman, you have forgotten to whom you 
dictate. 

True. Then you won't do it ? you won't ask her pardon? 
How. Most undoubtedly I will not — not at any man's 
bidding. I must first know — 

True. You won't do it ? Then if I don't give you a 
lesson in politeness — 

How. It will be because you find me your tutor in the 
same science. I am not a man to brook an insult, Mr. 
Trueman ! but we'll not quarrel in presence of the lady. 
True. Won't we ? I don't know that— 

[crosses r. h. 

Ger. Pray, Mr. Trueman — Colonel Howard, (crosses 

to c.) my desist, Mr. Trueman, for my sake! (taking 

hold of his arm to hold him back) Colonel Howard, if you 

will read this letter it will explain everything. 

[hands letter to Howard, who reads. 
True. lie don't deserve an explanation ! Did'nt I tell 
him that it was a mistake '? Refuse to beg your pardon ! 
I'll teach him, I'll teach him ! 

How. (after reading) Gertrude, how have I wronged 
you ! 

True* Oh, you'll beg her pardon now ? 

[between them. 

How. Her's, Sir, and your's ! Gertrude, I fear — 

True. You needn't, — she'll forgive you. You don't 

know these women as well as I do, — they're always ready 

to pardon ; its their nature, and they can't help it. Come 

along, I left Antony and his wife in the dining room ; we'll 

go and find them. I've a story of my own to tell ! As for 

you, Colonel, you may follow. Come along, Come along! 

[Leads out Gertrude, r., followed by Howard. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tiffany, l. u. e. Mr. Tiffany with 

a bundle of bills in his hand. 

Mrs. Tif. I beg you won't mention the s abject again, 



F I] FASHION. 51 

Mr. Tiffany. Nothing is more plebeian than a discussion 
upon economy — nothing more ungenteel than looking over 
and fretting over one's bills ! 

Tif. Then I suppose, my dear, it is quite as ungenteel 
to pay one's bills? 

Mrs. Tif. Certainly! I hear the ee-light never con- 
descend to do anything of the kind. The honor of their 
invaluable patronage is sufficient for the persons they em- 
ploy ! 

Tif. Patronage then is a newly invented food upon 
which the working classes fatten ? What convenient appe- 
tites poor people must have ! Now listen to what I am 
going to say. As soon as my daughter marries Mr. Snob- 
son — 
Enter Prudence, r., a three-cornered note in her hand. 

Pru. Oh, dear! oh, dear! what shall we do! Such a 
misfortune! Such a disaster! Oh, dear! oh, dear! 

Mrs. Tif. Prudence, you are the most tiresome creature! 
What is the matter ? 

Pru. (pacing up and down the stage) Such a disgrace 
to the whole family! But I always expected it. Oh, dear! 
oh, dear! 

Mrs. Tif. (following her up and down the stage) What 
are you talking about, Prudence ? Will you tell me what 
has happened T 

Pine, {still pacing, Mrs. Tiffany following) Oh! I 
can't, I can't ! You'll feel so dreadfully ! How could she 
do such a thing ! But I expected nothing else ! I never 
did, I never did ! 

Mrs. Tif. (still following) Good gracious ! what do you 
mean, Prudence ? Tell me, will you tell me ? I shall 
get into such a passion ! What is the matter ? 

Pru. (still pacing) Oh, Betsy, Betsy ! That your 
daughter should have come to that ! Dear me, dear me ! 

Tif. Seraphina ? Did you say Seraphina ? What has 
happened to her ? what has she done ? 

[^following Prudence up and down the staga 
on the opposite side from Mrs. Tiffany. 

Mrs Tif. (still following) What has she done ? what 
has she done ? 

Pru. Oh ! something dreadful — dreadful — shocking ! 

Tif (still following) Speak quickly and plainly — voti 

e 2 



52 fashion. [Act V. 

torture me by this delay, — Prudence, be calm, and speak ! 
What is it ? 

Pru. (stopping j Zeke just told me — he carried her 
travelling trunk himself — she gave him a whole dollar! 
Oh, my! 

Tif. Her trunk ? where ? where ? 

Pru. Round the corner! 

Mrs. Tif. What did she want with her trunk? You 
are the most vexatious creature, Prudence ! There is no 
bearing your ridiculous conduct! 

Pru. Oh, you will have worse to bear — worse! Sera- 
phina's gone! 

Tif. Gone ! where? 

Pru. Off! — eloped — eloped with the Count! Dear me, 
dear me! I always told you she would! 

Tif. Then I am ruined! 

[stands with his face buried in his hands. 

Mrs. Tif. Oh, what a ridiculous girl ! And she might 
have had such a splendid wedding ! What could have 
possessed her ? 

Tif The devil himself possessed her, for she has ruined 
me past all redemption ! Gone, Prudence, did you say 
gone ? Are you sure they are gone ? 

Pru. Didn't I tell you so ! Just look at this note — one 
might know by the very fold of it— 

Tif. {snatching the note) Let me see it ! {opens the note 
and reads) " My dear Ma, — When you receive this I 
shall be a countess I Isn't it a sweet title ? The Count 
and I were forced to be married privately, for reasons which 
I will explain in my next. You must pacify Pa, and put 
him in a good humour before I come back, though now 
I'm to be a countess I suppose I shouldn't care !" Un- 
dutiful huzzy ! " We are going to make a little excursion 
and will be back in a week 

" Your dutiful daughter — Seraphina." 

A man's curse is sure to spring up at his own hearth, — here 
is mine ! The sole curb upon that villain gone, I am 
wholly in his power ! Oh ! the first downward step from 
honor — he who takes it cannot pause in his mad descent 
and is sure to be hurried on to ruin ! 

Mrs. Tif Why, Mr. Tiffany, how you do take on ! 



Scene I.] FASHION. 53 

And I dare say to elope was the most fashionable way 
after all ! 

Enter Trueman, r., leading Gertrude, and followed 
by Howard. 

True. Where are all the folks ? Here, Antony, you are 
the man I want. We've been hunting for you all over the 
house. Why — what's the matter? There's a face for a 
thriving city merchant ! Ah ! Antony, you never wore such 
a hang-dog look as that when you trotted about the country 
with your pack upon your back ! Your shoulders are no 
broader now — but they've a heavier load to carry — that's 
plain ! 

Mrs. Tif Mr. Trueman, such allusions are highly im- 
proper ! What would my daughter, the Countess, say ! 

Ger. The Countess? Oh! Madam! 

Mrs. Tif. Yes, the Countess ! My daughter Seraphina, 
the Countess dee Jolimaitre ! What have you to say to 
that? No wouder you are surprised after your recherche, 
abime conduct ! I have told you already, Miss Gertrude, 
that you were not a proper person to enjoy the inestimable 
advantages of my patronage. You are dismissed — do you 
understand? Discharged! 

True. Have you done? Very well, it's my turn now. 
Antony, perhaps what I have to say don't concern you as 
much as some others — but I want you to listen to me. You 
remember, Antony, (his tone becomes serious), a blue-eyed, 
smiling girl — 

Tif. Your daughter, Sir? I remember her well. 

True. None ever saw her to forget her ! Give me your 
hand, man. There — that will do ! Now let me go on. I 
never coveted wealth — yet twenty years ago I found myself 
the richest farmer in Catteraugus. This cursed money 
made my girl an object of speculation. Every idle fellow 
that wanted to feather his nest was sure to come courting 
Ruth. There was one — my heart misgave me the instant 
I laid eyes upon him — for he was a city chap, and not over 
fond of the truth. But Ruth — ah ! she was too pure her- 
self to look for guile ! His fine words and his fair looks — 
the old story — she was taken with him — I said, " no" — 
but the girl liked her own way better than her old father s 
— girls always do ! and one morning — the rascal robbed me 



54 fashion. [Act V. 

— not of my money, he would have been welcome to that 
— but of the only treasure I cherished — my daughter ! 

Tif But you forgave her ! 

True. I did ! I knew she would never forgive herself 
— that was punishment enough ! The scoundrel thought 
he was marrying my gold with my daughter — he was mis- 
taken ! I took care that they should never want ; but that 
was all. She loved him — what will not woman love? The 
villain broke her heart — mine was tougher, or it wouldn't 
have stood what it did. A year after they were married, 
he forsook her ! She came back to her old home — her old 
father ! It could'nt last long — she pined — and pined — and 
— then — she died ! Don't think me an old fool — though I am 
one — for grieving won't bring her back, (bursts into tears.) 

Tif. It was a heavy loss ! 

True. So heavy, that I should not have cared how soon 
I followed her, but for the child she left ! As I pressed 
that child in my arms, I swore that my unlucky wealth 
should never curse it, as it had cursed its mother ! It was 
all I had to love — but I sent it away — and the neighbors 
thought it was dead. The girl was brought up tenderly 
but humbly by my wife's relatives in Geneva. I had her 
taught true independence — she had hands — capacities — and 
should use them ! Money should never buy her a husband ! 
for I resolved not to claim her until she had made her 
choice, and found the man who was willing to take her 
for herself alone. She turned out a rare girl! and it's 
time her old grandfather claimed her. Here he is to do it! 
And there stands Ruth's child! Old Adam's heiress! 
Gertrude, Gertrude ! — my child ! 

[Gertrude rushes into his arms. 

Pru. (After a pause) Do tell; I want to know! But 
I knew it ! I always said Gertrude would turn out some- 
body, after all! 

Mrs. Tif. Dear me! Gertrude an heiress! My dear 
Gertrude, I always thought you a very charming girl — 
quite you-nick — an heiress ! I must give her a ball! I'll 
introduce her into society myself — of course an heiress 
must make a sensation ! {aside) 

How. I am too bewildered even to wish her joy. Ah! 
there will be plenty to do that now — but the gulf between 
us is wider than ever, (aside) 



Scene I.] fashion. 55 

True. Step forward, young man, and let us know what 
you are muttering about. I said I would never claim her 
until she had found the man who loved her for herself. I 
have claimed her — yet I never break my word — I think I 
have found that man ! and here he is. (strikes Howard 
on the shoulder) Gertrude's your's! There — never say a 
word, man — don't bore me with your thanks — you can 
cancel all obligations by making that child happy ! There 
— take her ! — Well, girl, and what do you say ? 

Ger. That I rejoice too much at having found a parent 
for my first act to be one of disobedience ! 

[gives her hand to Howard. 

True. How very dutiful! and how disinterested! 

[Tiffany retires up — and paces the stage, 
exhibiting great agitation. 

Pru. (to True man) All the single folks are getting 
married ! 

True. No they are not. You and I are single folks, 
and we're not likely to get married. 

Mrs. Tif My dear Mr. Trueman — my sweet Gertrude, 
when my daughter, the Countess, returns, she will be de- 
lighted to hear of this deenooment I I assure you that the 
Countess will be quite charmed! 

Ger. The Countess ? Pray Madam where is Seraphina? 

Mrs. Tif. The Countess dee Jolimaitre, my dear, is at 
this moment on her way to— to Washington! Where after 
visiting all the fashionable curiosities of the day — including 
the President — she will return to grace her native city! 

Ger. I hope you are only jesting, Madam ? Seraphina 
is not married ? 

Mrs. Tif. Excuse me, my dear, my daughter had this 
morning the honor of being united to the Count dee Joli- 
maitre ! 

Ger. Madam! He is an impostor! 

Mrs. Tif. Good gracious ! Gertrude, how can you talk 
in that disrespectful way of a man of rank ? An heiress, 
my dear, should have better manners! The Count — 

Enter Millinette, r., crying. 
Mil. Oh! Madame! I will tell everyting — oh! dat mon- 
stre! He break my heart ! 



56 fashion. [Act V, 

Mrs. Tif. Millinette, what is the matter ? 

Mil. Oh ! he promise to marry me — I love him much 
— and now Zeke say he run away vid Mademoiselle Sera- 
phina ! 

Mrs. Tif. What insolence! The girl is mad! Count 
Jolimaitre marry my femmy de chamber ! 

Mil. Oh ! Madame, he is not one Count, not at all ! 
Dat is only de title he go by in dis country. De foreigners 
always take de large title ven dey do come here. His name 
a Paris vas Gustave Tread-mill. But he not one Frenchman 
at all, but he do live one long time a Paris. First he live 
vid Monsieur Vermicelle — dere he vas de head cook ! Den 
he live vid Monsieur Tire-nez, de barber ! After dat he 
live vid Monsieur le Comte Frippon-fin — and dere he vas le 
Comte's valet ! Dere, now I tell every ting I feel one great 
deal better! 

Mrs. Tif. Oh ! good gracious ! I shall faint ! Not a 
Count ! What will every body say ? It's no such thing ! 
I say he is a Count ! One can see the foreign jenny says 
quoi in his face ! Don't you think I can tell a Count when 
I see one ? I say he is a Count ! 

Enter Snobson, l., his hat on — his hands thrust in his 
pocket — evidently a little intoxicated. 

Snob. I won't stand it ! I say I won't ! 

Tif. (rushing up to him) Mr. Snobson, for heaven's 
sake — (aside) 

Snob. Keep off! I'm a hard customer to get the better 
of! You'll see if I don't come out strong! 

True, (quietly knocking off Snobson's hat with his 
stick) Where are your manners, man? 

Snob. My business aint with you, Catteraugus; you've 
waked up the wrong passenger ! — Now the way I'll put it 
into Tiff will be a caution. I'll make him wince ! That 
extra mint julep has put the true pluck in me. Now for 
it! (aside) Mr. Tiffany, Sir — you needn't think to come 
over me, Sir — you'll have to get up a little earlier in the 
morning before you do that, Sir! I'd like to know, Sir, 
how you came to assist your daughter in running away 
with that foreign loafer ? It was a downright swindle, Sir. 
After the conversation I and you had on that subject she 
wasn't your property, Sir. 



Scene I.] FASHION. 57 

Trite. What, Antony, is that the way your city dark 
bullies his boss? 

Snob. You're drunk, Catteraugus — don't expose your- 
self — you're drunk ! Taken a little too much toddy, my old 
boy! Be quiet ! I'll look after you, and they won't find 
it out. If you want to be busy, you may take care of my 
hat — I feel so deuced weak in the chest, I don't think I 
could pick it up myself. — Now to put the screws to Tiff. 
(aside) Mr. Tiffany, Sir — you have broken your word, as 
no virtuous individual — no honorable member — of — the — 
com — m u — ni — ty — 

Tif. Have some pity, Mr. Snobson, I beseech you ! I 
had nothing to do with my daughter's elopement! I will 
agree to anything you desire — your salary shall be doubled 
— trebled — [aside to him. 

Snob, (aloud) No you don't. No bribery and corruption. 

Tif. I implore you to be silent. You shall become 
partner of the concern, if you please — only do not speak. 
You* are not yourself at this moment. [aside to him. 

Snob. Aint I though. I feel twice myself. I feel like 
two Snobsons rolled into one, and I'm choke full of the 
spunk of a dozen! Now Mr. Tiffany, Sir — 

Tif. I shall go distracted ! Mr. Snobson, if you have 
one spark of manly feeling — [aside to him. 

True. Antony, why do you stand disputing with that 
drunken jackass ? Where's your nigger ? Let him kick 
the critter out, and be of use for once in his life. 

Snob. Better be quiet, Catteraugus. This aint your 
hash, so keep your spoon out of the dish. Don't expose 
yourself, old boy. 

True. Turn him out, Anthony! 

Snob. He daren't do it ! Aint I up to him? Aint he 
in my power? Can't I knock him into a cocked hat with a 
word? And now he's got my steam up — I will do it! 

Tif. (beseechingly) Mr. Snobson — my friend — 

Snob. It's no go — steam's up — and I don't stand at 
anything! 

True. You won't stand here long unless you mend your 
manners — you're not the first man I've upset because he 
did'nt know his place. 

Snob. I know where Tiff's place is, and that's in the 



58 fashion. [Act V. 

States 1 Prison ! It's bespoke already. He would have it! 
He wouldn't take pattern of me, and behave like a gentle- 
man! He's a forger, Sir! 

[Tiffany throws himself into a chair in an 
attitude of despair ; the others stand trans- 
fixed with astonishment. 
He's been forging Dick Anderson's endorsements of his 
notes these ten months. He's got a couple in the bank 
that will send him to the wall any how — if he can't make 
a raise. I took them there myself! Now you know what 
he's worth. I said I'd expose him, and I have done it! 

Mrs. Tif Get out of the house ! You ugly, little, 
drunken brute, get out ! It's not true. Mr. Trueman, 
put him out; you have got a stick — put him out! 

Enter Seraphina, l., in her bonnet and shawl — a parosol 
in her hand. 

Sera. I hope Zeke hasn't delivered my note. 

[stops in surprise at seeing the persons assembled. 

Mrs. Tif Oh, here is the Countess ! 

[advances to embrace her. 

Tif. {starting from his seat, and seizing Seraphina 
violently by the ar?n) Are — you — married ? 

Sera. Goodness, Pa, how you frighten me ! No, I'm 
not married, quite. 

Tif. Thank heaven. 

Mrs. Tif. [drawing Seraphina aside, L.) What's the 
matter? Why did you come back? 

Sera. The clergyman wasn't at home — I came back for 
my jewels — the Count said nobility couldn't get on without 
them. 

Tif. I may be saved yet ! Seraphina, my child, you 
will not see me disgraced — ruined ! I have been a kind 
father to you — at least I have tried to be one — although 
your mother's extravagance made a madman of me ! The 
Count is an impostor — you seemed to like him — (pointing 
to Snobson) Heaven forgive me • (aside) Marry him and 
save me. You, Mr. Trueman, you will be my friend in 
this hour of extreme need — you will advance the sum which 
I require — I pledge myself to return it. My wife — my child 
— who will support them were I — the thought makes me 
frantic ! You will aid me ? You had a child yourself. 



Scene I.] FASHION. 59 

True. But I did not sell her — it was her own doings. 
Shame on you, Antony ! Put a price on your own flesh 
and blood ! Shame on such foul traffic ! 

Tif. Save me — I conjure you — for my father's sake. 

True. For your father's son's sake I will not aid you 
in becoming a greater villain than you are ! 

Ger. (c.) Mr. Trueman — Father, I should say — save 
him — do not embitter our happiness by permitting this 
calamity to fall upon another — 

True. Enough — I did not need your voice, child. I 
am going to settle this matter my own way. 

[Goes up to Snobson — who has seated himself 
and fallen asleep — tilts him out of the chair. 

Snob, (waking up) Eh? Where's the fire? Oh! it's 
you, Cateraugus. 

True. If I comprehend aright, you have been for some 
time aware of your principal's forgeries? 

[as he says this, he beckons to Howard, c, 
who advances as witness. 

Snob. You've hit the nail, Catteraugus ! Old chap saw 
that I was up to him six months ago ; left off throwing dust 
into my eyes — 

True. Oh, he did ! 

Snob. Made no bones of forging Anderson's name at 
my elbow. 

True. Forged at your elbow? You saw him do it? 

Snob. I did. 

True. Repeatedly? 

S?iob. Re — pea — ted — ly 

True. Then you, Rattlesnake, if he goes to the States' 
Prison, you'll take up your quarters there too. You are 
an accomplice, an accessory ! 

[Trueman walks away and seats himself, r. 
Howard rejoins Gertrude. Snobson 
stands for some time bewildered. 

Snob. The deuce, so I am ! I never thought of that! 
I must make myself scarce. F 11 be off! Tif, I say Tif! 
{going up to him and speaking confidentially) that drunken 
old rip has got us in his power. Let's give him the slip 
and be off. They want men of genius at the West, — we're 
sure to get on ! You — you can set up for a writing master, 
and teach copying signatures ; and I — I'll give lectures on 



60 fashion. [Act V. 

temperance ! You won't come, eh ? Then I'm off with- 
out you. Good bye, Catteraugus ! Which is the way to 
California ? [steals off l. 

True. There's one debt your city owes me. And now 
let us see what other nuisances we can abate. Antony, 
I'm not given to preaching, therefore I shall not say much 
about what you have done. Your face speaks for itself, — 
the crime has brought its punishment along with it. 

Tif. Indeed it has, Sir ! In one year I have lived a 
century of misery. 

True. I believe you, and upon one condition I will assist 
you — 

Tif. My friend — my first, ever kind friend, — only name 
it! 

True. You must sell your house and all these gew gaws, 
and bundle your wife and daughter off to the country. 
There let them learn economy, true independence, and 
home virtues, instead of foreign follies. As for yourself, 
continue your business — but let moderation, in future, be 
your counsellor, and let honesty be your confidential clerk. 

Tif. Mr. Trueman, you have made existence once more 
precious to me ! My wife and daughter shall quit the city 
to-morrow, and — 

Pru. It's all coming right ! Its all coming right ! 
We'll go to the county of Catteraugus. 

[walking up fo Trueman. 

True. No you won't, — I make that a stipulation, An- 
tony ; keep clear of Catteraugus. None of your fashionable 
examples there ! 

Jolimaitre appears, l. h. 3 e., in the Conservatory and 
peeps into the room unperceived. 

Count. What can detain Seraphina ? We ought to be 
off! 

Mil. {turns round, perceives him, runs and forces him 
into the room) Here he is ! Ah, Gustave, mon cher Gus- 
tave ! I have you now and we never part no more. Don't 
frown, Gustave, don't frown — 

True. Come forward, Mr. Count ! and for the edifi- 
cation of fashionable society confess that you're an impostor. 

Count. An impostor ? Why, you abominable old — 

True. Oh, your feminine friend has told us all about it, 



Scene I.] fashion. 61 

the cook — the valet — barber and all that sort of thing. 
Come, confess, and something may be done for you. 

Count. Well then, I do confess I am no count ; but 
really, ladies and gentlemen, I may recommend myself as 
the most capital cook. 

Mrs. Tif. Oh, Seraphina ! 

Sera. Oh, Ma ! [they embrace and retire up. 

True. Promise me to call upon the whole circle of your 
fashionable acquaintances with your own advertisements 
and in your cook's attire, and I will set you up in business 
to-morrow. Better turn stomachs than turn heads! 

Mil. But you will marrv me ? 

Count. Give us your hand, Mlllinette ! Sir, command 
me for the most delicate pate — the daintiest croquette a la 
royal e — the most transcendent omelette soufflee that ever 
issued from a French pastry-cook's oven. I hope you will 
pardon my conduct, but I heard that in America, where 
yoi i pay homage to titles while you profess to scorn them 
— where Fashion makes the basest coin current — where 
you have no kings, no princes, no nobility — 

True. Stop there ! J object to your use of that word. 
When justice is found only among lawyers — health among 
physicians — and patriotism among politicians, then may 
von say that there is no nobility where there are no titles ! 
But we hare kings, prhuvs, and nobles in abundance — of 
Nature's stamp, if not of Fashion's, — we have honest men, 
want) hearted and brave, and we have women — gentle, fair, 
and true, to whom no title could add nobility. 



EPILOGUE. 

Pru. I told you so ! And now you hear and see. 
I told you Fashion would the fashion be ! 

True. Then both its point and moral I distrust. 

Count. Sir, is that liberal ? 

How. Or is it just ? 

True. The guilty have escaped ! 

Tif. Is, therefore, sin 

Made charming ? Ah ! there's punishment within ! 
Guilt ever carries his own scourge along. 



62 FASHION. 

Ger. Virtue her own reward ! 

True. You're right, Fin wrong. 

Mrs. Tif. How we have been deceived ! 

Pru. I told you so. 

Sera. To lose at once a title and a beau ! 

Count. A count no more, I'm no more of account. 

True. But to a nobler title you may mount, 
And be in time — who knows ? — an honest man ! 

Count. Eh, Millinette ? 

Mil. Oh, oui, — I know you can ! 

Ger. (to audience) But, ere we close the scene, a word 
with you, — 
We charge you answer, — Is this picture true ? 
Some little mercy to our efforts show, 
Then let the world your honest verdict know. 
Here let it see portrayed its ruling passion, 
And learn to prize at its just value — Fashion. 



DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS. 

r. Count. Millinette. Howard. Gertrude. Trueman. 
Mrs. Tiffany. Tiffany. Seraphina. Prudence. 



THE END. 



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